To Aspiring Scam Artists

Years ago, one of the best things we did was get two phone numbers for our landline. It was free, so why not?

We decided to use the main number for "business" use - everything official. The other number is our "friend phone," and it's the only one we answer, unless the caller ID is compelling - the doctor's office, for example.

However, occasionally a telemarketer calls the regular phone so frequently that we eventually pick up the phone just to ask them to stop calling.

The latest one isn't the police fundraiser, or the charity for the blind; it's a loan scam. They're looking for me, I think... it's a guy with an Indian accent asking for "Line-ee."

How do we know it's a scam, you ask? Valid question, especially since we were just looking into refinancing. For a few seconds we thought it might be a follow-up. But after those seconds, it was blindingly apparent this was a scam.

So, as a public service announcement for schemers, I thought I would share what we've learned from these interactions (there have been more than one since both Mike and I have answered those persistent calls, seeking relief). 

If you want to run a convincing loan scam, here are a few things to avoid:

1) Get a good phone line. Hearing lots of static and your co-workers in the background doesn't scream credibility.

2) When I answer, be ready with a prompt, clear response. I know you're a telemarketer, so I have very little patience. The only reason I'm saying hello more than once is because I'm going to tell you to stop calling me. When you say "Hello?" back to me as if I called you, it makes me question your IQ and the IQ of the person running the show over there.

3) Be more creative. We consumers are getting wise. If you tell us we've been approved for a loan we don't remember applying for, but we have to send you money before you can send us the check... well, most of us have been paying attention for the past 20 years, and that's just an old trick almost no one will fall for.

4) When I tell you I didn't apply for a loan, don't reply, "well, your neighbor did." So what?! Sorry, but unfortunately we live in a world where we are usually pretty disconnected, and therefore not influenced, by our neighbors' decisions. If you told me my mom said I might be interested in a loan, I'd be alarmed, but at least you'd have more time to work your scam magic on me.

5) I don't normally endorse lying, but if you're in the scam business, you're probably already OK with lying, so I have one final suggestion. When I ask you to take me off your call list, don't be honest and say that you can't or won't do that. It just outrages me and motivates me to tell all my friends about your crazy scam. This is the best time to lie, or at least don't give a direct answer. When you call me again tomorrow night, and the next night, and the next, you can just blame The System for not taking me off the list yet.

This is a tough world for phone scams. Consumers are savvy. Most of us have caller ID. I'd love to know what percentage of calls are actually answered, and what percentage fall for your schemes. Certainly enough to keep you coming back for more. But you can take my number off your list (for real) because it's just a waste of your time. Unless you figure out how to sell Thin Mints, of course.

P.S. While you're dreaming up your next scheme, if you see the ice cream man, let him know that coming around the neighborhood after 8pm on a school night just complicates the delicate bedtime routine for most parents and just earns him ill will. Thanks.