Infomercials

I’m sprouting eyelashes and eyebrows, and it’s time to shave my legs! Exciting stuff going on here. :) If you look closely, the top of my head has a soft edge – that’s genuine hair, folks! Sticking straight up, too. Mike thinks it’s mostly white, but I’m in denial about that. After all, last summer it looked really light, but it was dark when it fell out, so I’m hoping more quantity will show more color.

While we were on vacation, I have to confess that we did something we’ve never done before: ordered something from an infomercial! Eek!

We were lounging at our rental condo in Palm Springs (much chicer, but less comfy than the San Diego place), and we got sucked into an infomercial for ceramic pans. As a recovering marketing professional, I’d love to know the science behind these programs. I’m sure there are hours of focus groups and internal debates about which segments to feature over and over – and over. They’re ridiculous and hokey, yet it’s easy to be transfixed, even when they move into a section you’ve already seen.

In our defense, our pans at home are pretty sad – cheapies we got at Ikea several years ago. So we decided to spend $19.99 on a new pan. Of course, you get a second one free if you call RIGHT NOW. So we called.

Word of advice – if you fall victim to infomercial hypnosis, go online and order it there. Because if you call, it’s not going to be quick.

Actually, the marketing psychology behind the phone call has got to be pretty interesting. It was ALL automated! Even giving your phone, address, and credit card. Feels a little sketchy, too. I never once talked to a real person, which is brilliant strategy on the company’s part, because questions and attitude are not allowed. For example, they told me I could have a second pan for $6.99. My answer (“Um… but the commercial says I get the second pan for free…”) just led back to a repeat of the question. It’s $6.99, so I decided not to argue with the computer. I’m sure they make their fortune $6.99 at a time.

Once we got the second pan straightened out, there was another offer. And then another. And then another. If you say no, the computer pitches each offer to you two more times. And you can’t, politely or otherwise, interrupt the computer to say you really did mean NO the first time.

And you can’t hang up, because they haven’t confirmed your order yet.

After 30 minutes, we finally got off the phone, without a clear understanding of what we were getting. Of course, you can always go through the hassle of returning everything, so it’s “perfectly” safe. The pans were on our doorstep before we got home, in spite of the 3-6 week shipping promise. Talk about under promise, over deliver!

We haven’t used the pans yet. The garbage disposal went out when we got home, so our sink was out of commission for a few days, and I didn’t want to wash the pans in a small bathroom sink. But they’re pretty and look sturdy.

While I was waiting to get my sink back, I had lots of appointments in preparation for surgery this week. These appointments felt a lot like the infomercial ordering process: you think you’re done, but there’s a lot more around the corner. Originally, it was supposed to just be a mammogram. But I was due for an MRI, so I asked if I should do that instead. To which my doctor replied, “We should do both!” Whining did not change her mind (she’s tiny but tough). I did both on the same day (so efficient!). Then I got called back for more/better MRI images. Of course, there was something there they wanted to look at with ultrasound. The conclusion from the ultrasound was that, most likely, these lymph nodes had just moved as a result of my last surgery. But to be super sure, I could have a PET scan. Really?! These poor nodes have been the object of much poking and prodding over the last year, all revealing nothing of concern. So if one of my surgeons or my oncologist read the report and call me to do a PET scan tomorrow, fine, but I’m definitely not asking the question since I’m quite certain that would be a huge waste of time and resources. At least I’m more certain about what’s going on than I was about the infomercial order!

 My sink is back in play now, so I’d better go and wash those pretty pans before I go in for surgery. Happy week to all of you!