But This Glass Door is Locked

My hair photo is a bit different this week - I'm "POD #5," aka Post Op Day 5, still in the hospital following my tumor resection (which was about 90% NON-cancerous, thank you, Lord!). It's a long stay because I can't go until my bowels wake up, and that just takes some time. My hair looks good, but it feels pretty slimy. Hopefully I can get a shower today!

Just for kicks, here is a silly photo from Sept 2011. In the hospital, I'm using my husband's laptop, and there are some PhotoBooth pics from long ago that I'd completely forgotten about.

A few months ago, someone shared this on Facebook:

Since I was between school and work, this quote really resonated with me, and I adopted it as my own. I even made it my Facebook "cover photo." I figured I was in the hallway since school was behind me and bilateral mastectomies necessitated a break before starting work.

I LOVE the idea of trusting God while we wait for Him to reveal what's next. He's brought me through so many difficult times and "hallway" periods before, I figure the least I can do is remain faithful and praise Him while I'm waiting for the next door to open.

Of course, there was the overlying assumption that the next door to open would reveal a job. The only question was whether it would be oncology, my heart's desire, or through med-surg or some other preparatory area.

As we know, more cancer treatment was not the door anyone was expecting Him to open! Argh. Can I say "argh" AND still praise? Well, I know my plans and God's plans have been different on many occasions, but His plans have always worked out before, so I'm game to follow Him through this one, too.

Two short days after I found out my year will be filled with cancer treatment, I got my first call for an interview. In an ED where a respected colleague works.

This week I received two emails from different people about setting up an interview for an opening in a chemo infusion clinic. Um... this one is where I think I want to END UP after gaining the required experience elsewhere. AKA Dream Job. :(

In both cases, I had to tell them how excited I was to hear from them, and how disappointed I was to turn them down, because of the changes in my plans for this year.

You're not going to believe me when I say this - because I have a hard time believing it - but I'm not devastated. I see the cruel irony in being so close to grabbing my dream job right out of the gate, but I'm also encouraged that these opportunities are actually available to me! My hope is that, with all this cancer experience and my shiny new RN license, God has a loooong remission and a wonderful nursing career in my future, and I will get to put my patient perspective to good use and make Florence Nightingale proud.

A couple days ago a friend commented on my faith and said it was something she didn't have. Personally, I think America likes to promote a Christianity based on feelings. Just like a good marriage or friendship needs more than feelings to survive unintended (or intended!) assaults, our relationship with God has to have more substance than fleeting feelings. As I've mentored this group of teens at church over the past five years, I've sometimes been frustrated with their "lack" of enthusiasm or faith. But then I came across some of my teenaged journals! They were full of immaturity, anger, selfishness, etc. It was lovely - and humbling! - to see how much refining God has done in me over the last 30 years.

That contrast also showed me how much my faith has grown. I've had 30 more years than my girls to trust God and watch Him provide what I needed (sometimes material things, more often strength, grace, peace, wisdom, etc). So OF COURSE faith and character needs room to grow.

I have a magnet on my fridge that says:

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith."

That's where I am: in the hallway, with a couple closed glass doors that have nursing jobs behind them, and an open door with more cancer treatment behind it. I think there's a big gap in the floor between the hallway and the open room, too - one that requires that leap of faith. My refrigerator quote describes faith as an active decision than a feeling, but as the track record builds, the faith grows deeper and the lines between action and feeling blurs.

Alright, here goes one more leap! Ready?!