Worry-Pray-Worry-Pray-Worry-Pray…

When I lost my hair last April, I kinda liked it. It was new, and it worked, and I got to use all these lovely scarves I’ve collected over the years. And talk about convenience! Imagine a life without shampoo, conditioner, blow-driers, brushes, hair products and accessories… I had time and shelf space I’ve never had before. And when I was warm, a breeze on my bare head was deliciously refreshing.

Around November I started having hair envy. All these women with their beautiful, long, wavy locks; probably not relishing this gift sufficiently. Now, as I discuss the next round of treatment with my oncologist, I’m facing hair loss again. This time, not with anxiety, because I know the realities and advantages, but with some mourning, because those long, lovely locks are further from my reach. Maybe I’ll get a wig this time, just for fun.

My husband came through with a joke to soothe this situation. (There’s a highly amusing, in-poor-taste-but-super-therapeutic humor that comes with serious situations. I’m thankful for that.) He says, “God noticed that your hair is coming in blonde, so He decided He needed to start over and make it red again.” Admittedly flawed theology, but helpful humor!

That’s still a few months away, so we’ll carry on with the hair photos. After that, I’ll show you all my scarves.

Right now, I’m in between shocking news (that one group of my ovarian cancer cells is still growing) and action (surgery and the all-important pathology report that tells us what is really going on in there).

To say I’m begging God that it’s benign is an understatement. There’s about a 5% chance of that, so it’s possible. Not to mention that miracles happen occasionally.

Research says that the diagnostic process for cancer holds the highest anxiety for a patient. Once all the imaging and pathology reports are back and you know exactly what you’re dealing with, you can make a plan and move forward. It’s the waiting and wondering how big and strong your enemy is that creates anxiety – sometimes, according to research, it’s as severe as the anxiety people experience who are hospitalized for anxiety. Serious stuff.

While I’m not ready for hospitalization, the “what ifs” are crowding my mind these days. Of course, they come at unwelcome times, like the middle of the night or during a dinner date with my husband.

Somewhere along the line, in my quest to trust God and be more prayer minded, I experimented with using worry as a trigger to pray and turn the issue over to God. I thought it worked pretty well, and now it’s one of my favorite tactics. Just ask my husband: he’s the official family worrier, so I frequently remind him of my well-tested hypothesis. :)

While I’m in limbo, waiting to find out how threatening this unwelcome growth is, I am trying hard to spend more time trusting God, and less time freaking out. In action, my theory looks something like this:

“What if [insert terrible scenario here]?

“God, I trust you to take care of this and…

“But what about [additional bad scenario]?

“God, you are in control of this situation and I trust you…

“But the other bad thing that could happen is [more gloomy options]

“God, I know you’ll give me the strength and peace to handle this – but I’d appreciate some of that peace right now.”

And on and on it goes.

A week or so I found this on Facebook:

“How should you respond when one of life’s storms comes your way?

• Respond by going to God in prayer
• Refocus by focusing on God not the circumstance
• Rehearse what we know about God and His Word, in our mind (or verbally if     necessary)
• Rest by trusting God in the circumstance.

“Respond, Refocus, Rehearse, Rest!

“The key to not being controlled by fear is faith. When you live by faith there is nothing to fear! The key to faith is Bible study.”

It’s from Kay Arthur’s Precept Ministries blog (http://blog.precept.org/home/bid/177489/what-are-you-afraid-of?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_content=12ade8ea-addd-40ec-b58b-269bc5c77863)

As I work this teeter-totter between worry and respond-refocus-rehearse, I know I’ll spend more and more time in the resting space, and I’m really looking forward to that! Naturally, news that this growth is harmless would launch me into rest and, if I can add to Kay’s list, significant Rejoicing! In the meantime, I’m thankful that I have a God – and about a million friends – to help me through this time. Thank you! I love you all!