Broken Hallelujah

(This is a long post, but please stay with me – the best is at the end!)

I took this photo before church. After church and lunch, I went for my first HAIRCUT!!! Well, I called it a "man trim" because I just needed things cleaned up around my ears and hairline. I'm sure no one can tell but me, but it sure feels better!

But my hair-growing plan may be in jeopardy...

Halfway through nursing school, I was diagnosed with cancer, and I was so confused by this crater in my path. So many things had come together to make nursing school possible: it was like God had placed neon “GO THIS WAY” signs and was shining a big spotlight on the road. I was so excited to be pursuing a new career that was so perfectly suited to me.

After a little time and a lot of thinking, I decided that cancer was not going to conquer me. I was going to move forward with school and do as much as I could. If I had to quit, I would, but I certainly wasn’t going to go down without a fight.

Turns out, that cancer diagnosis, while not fun, was a huge blessing both personally and educationally. Really! Oncology was the specialty I wanted from the beginning, and now I have extra education that most nurses don’t have. Viewing treatment through a student nurse’s eyes made it easier to cope (and understand!). And I finished school on time, with only a couple minor special requests.

I know God’s preparing me for a great career in oncology.

So I’m confused again with the results of my first three-month check-up. I was totally unprepared for my oncologist to say, “We have a problem.”

(Given the chance to do it over again, I think I’d still go in unprepared for bad news – worrying usually produces nothing but indigestion and headaches, right?)

Anyway, the short story is that the 2cm blip on November’s CT, which the doctors were certain was just a post-op change, is now a 6cm (2”) ball that is “suspicious for” (aka almost certainly) cancer. These cells survived TWELEVE cycles of chemo. This was not part of MY plan! Now we’re talking another surgery, more chemo, maybe radiation – the full meal deal (if you want more details they're on my CarePages site: http://www.carepages.com/carepages/LynnesBCBattle). This news does NOT jive with my pursuit of being a stellar hospital nurse in the near future.

However, I believe in God, and believe that He is in control of everything, from the stars in the universe to whether or not my dishwasher continues to work. The Bible says He knows all our days before we were even born (Psalm 139:16, if memory serves). It also says that His plans for us are good: Jeremiah 29:11 says His plans are to prosper us, not to harm us. My frustration abides next to my faith in these promises. I know I can trust those promises because He’s brought me through many difficulties in the past. Those situations, whether quick or stretched over decades, have always been used for good purpose in the end.

This might sound strange, naïve, or even crazy if you don’t believe in God or haven’t trusted Him before. The best analogy I can give is parenting. Think of toddlers and teens and how they have plans and desires that seem so certain and even wise to them. But their loving parents have much more experience, perspective, and wisdom, so they don’t let the toddler run around in the parking lot, or climb out of reach on the playground. And they interfere with those “perfect” teen plans because they know the risks and dangers involved. Didn’t you, as a teen, say “Oh come on, Mom, that will NEVER happen!” And then you found yourself in a tough spot…

I see God as the parent, with a bigger perspective and infinitely more wisdom and knowledge than me.  When my plan is thwarted, I trust that this obstacle is redirecting me, teaching me, and ultimately part of a better, divine plan. And I’m totally on board with that, even when, like now, it looks pretty scary to me.

When I was first diagnosed, I created a Cancer Playlist, which is extremely helpful in maintaining my perspective and hope. I was listening to it yesterday, and one of my favorite songs came on: “Broken Hallelujah,” by Mandisa (remember her? One of the first American Idols, the first one Simon said was too heavy to be marketable? He had to apologize later).

I love this song even more today. It’s a stretch to say, “Hallelujah!” when my cancer persists aggressively in the face of extensive treatment. After only three months off, I’m headed back to treatment. This song says the broken praises I can muster today are enough for now.

You can listen to the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH16B5449Iw

Or just read the lyrics:

“With my love and my sadness,
I come before You Lord.
My heart's in a thousand pieces,
Maybe even more.

“Yet I trust in this moment
You're with me somehow.
And You've always been faithful,
So Lord even now…

“When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah,
When my only offering
Is shattered praise.
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins,
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah.

“Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve.
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn.

“How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace?
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place.”

(back to the chorus a time or two)