Finishing My Story

Just to be clear, my title is NOT my cancer update for the week!

I saw my oncologist last week and my tumor markers are down slightly (a good thing). Hooray! She prescribed a medication to help prevent my nausea and commiserated with me on how oral chemo would make the gag reflex hypersensitive. It was nice to be validated in that! My red cell count is low, too, which explains why I've been so tired.

I gave her a gift, too. I had some extra time last week, so I made a flow chart of my treatment history. There have been so many scans, surgeries, chemos, etc, and it's impossible to keep everything straight. My chart is color coded (orange for surgery, teal for chemo, etc) and each recurrence is marked with a little explosion icon. I think my information design colleagues at Hornall Anderson would give my elementary efforts a thumbs up.

Next: blood work in a month, CT scan in two months.

Thank you for your prayers - please keep them coming!


My title IS about a story that got interrupted the other day. 

It's actually two stories, one new and one old, now woven together. It's one of my favorite cancer stories. I was telling it to two friends, and halfway through a couple other people arrived and we didn't get back to my story, so I thought I'd share it with all of you.

Last year I didn't tell my new student lifegroup that I'm a cancer survivor, because it wasn't a current problem and I was relishing not having cancer as an active issue. Since my recurrence happened weeks before we'd all be at camp together, I debated whether or not to discuss it with them at camp. Several people encouraged me to tell them (after all, it's a powerful testimony), so I made my news available to their parents in case they wanted to tell them ahead of time. 

Now, I just needed to find the right moment.

Tuesday afternoon, one of the girls pulled me aside and said, "When are you going to tell us?"

uhhhhh... "Tell you what?" (She could mean anything!)

"YOU know!" 

"You mean about my cancer?" (What if that's NOT what she means?? But it was, so I knew I should bite the bullet sooner than later.)

That night, the message was about following God wholeheartedly. And one of our songs was an update of the old classic "I have decided to follow Jesus." What a perfect set up!

So I told them about how I sang that song when I was their age. Back then, we had motions that went with most of the songs. I was the kid in the front row, enthusiastically doing all the motions, as big as possible. Yes, officially, I was a dork. For Jesus, but still, a big dork!

And I told them about how, on camp staff one summer, I sometimes didn't sing the songs because I knew I didn't mean them at the time. (This was probably more about arrogance and mild rebellion than integrity.)

Not long after that, I decided to follow Jesus sincerely. Which has made all the difference as I navigate this life-threatening cancer.

Telling them I have ovarian cancer led to some funny questions. This is one big reason why I love middle-schoolers. They are still willing to ask the peripheral questions some people are afraid to ask.

Like "What's an ovary?"
In a split second, I thought all these things: "Don't they know?! Shouldn't they?! What does their mom want them to know?? But if they're asking, I'm giving them an age-appropriate answer." And - since I'm a nurse - "Yippee! A chance to talk about anatomy and physiology!"

And "So... you don't have your period any more?? LUCKY!"
Haha! This was great because I got to find out where they were at with that - valuable info.

Also: "Is it scary?" (Usually no, occasionally yes.) And a doubtful "Really?!" when I said so much good had come from having cancer. (Answer: YES. Without a doubt.)

I brought it back around with a story from three summers ago.

My first recurrence was in May 2013. I'd had surgery and radiation. The recurrence included the back of my vaginal wall, so that was the area they radiated. Radiation finished the Tuesday before camp, and I was feeling fine, so I went.

Early in the week, I started to feel the burn. Any movement or pressure hurt. It was awful.

At one point, during the worship (singing) portion of evening chapel, Pastor Koby read from Psalm 139, where it says God "knows when we sit down and when we rise up."

I pretty much immediately dissolved into a puddle of tears. And, even three years later, I was so moved by the power of that verse that I was crying again! I thought I'd get through my story without emotion, but there it was.

When I heard it the first time, it spoke to me directly: God knew exactly how I felt and how painful it was for me to sit down and to rise up. Very few other people knew because being in pain Down There wasn't something I wanted to discuss, as you can imagine! I cannot tell you how comforting it was to hear that while I was outwardly hiding my discomfort, God knew every single painful movement.

This year as I'm telling my story, when my tears started to fall, half of my cabin ran over and gave me a big group hug. The other half ran over to hug a girl who had been struggling with a headache all day and started crying when I did. Their loving actions were so sweet.

Here's what my story means for me. For them. For you.

When you're hurting:
God sees it. He knows. He CARES. Really.

Did you know the Bible says God collects every one of our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8)?

Photo: I imagine heaven with shelves upon shelves of colorful glass bottles, beautifully backlit, 

one for each of us, with every tear ever shed in them.

PC: ottawacollectors.com

And
When you're hurting:
God remembers it. Eventually, there will be justice.

It might seem to take forever, but your hurt will not be forgotten and there will be an accounting. Deuteronomy 32:35 and Romans 12:19 quote God as saying "Vengeance is mine, I will repay."

Photo: Ever seen an angry cat? I don't think it's too big a stretch 

to imagine God has a few on His divine vengeance team. 

(I can't explain why I love this photo so much, but I do. 

I know I used it just a few weeks ago, but it's totally worthy of re-use.)

You guys. Whatever your struggle is, you are never alone. Whether you feel connected to God or not, He knows all the painful bits and He cares about you. I know it hurts. I know it's horrible to go through. I know it can be lonely. But I also know there can be spots of beauty along the way and beauty and strength on the other side. And remember, Vengeance Cat is cleaning his gun and waiting for his order to shoot!

Recovery

First: cancer update

Not much news this week. I think I've finally got the upper hand with this cold. Thursday I will get the results of my blood draw, so we'll see if this drug is effecting my immune system. I am feeling the fatigue, the yucky chemo taste, and a little nausea - very annoying, but minor in the grand scheme of things.

Now: the interesting stuff

Yesterday, I had a FaceTime call with my brother and his family. If you've ever tried to do this with a five-, three-, and one year old, you know there's limited conversation and lots of craziness. Mostly good craziness.

During the call, my three year old niece was "massaging" my brother's back with her feet. We decided his back was going to look like the Olympic swimmers', but with foot marks instead of cup marks.

She declared she was stronger than her dad. So we asked her, "Who's the strongest person you know?" We thought she would say "Daddy!" Know what she said?!

"Auntie Lynne!" 

We were not expecting that answer! I am currently FAR from the strongest person she knows. But she's always been one of my biggest fans (for example, I was her number one nominee when they were looking for a new nanny). 

Photo: one of my biggest fans, and the world's most adorable three year old, 

showing her own strength by running barefoot on the rocks.

Later, I wondered if she heard someone comment on my strength in the context of all this cancer business. Regardless, her sweet vote of confidence was encouraging and inspiring as I seek hope and motivation to fight for recovery and increasing strength in the face of another round of treatment.

Recovery has been on my mind recently. In part because I felt so much progress, in part because it's a big topic among my cancer friends.

It's a little ironic to be writing about it now, when I'm back in treatment and feeling like I'm on a slippery, downhill slope.

One of the most surprising parts of cancer treatment and recovery happens after treatment is finished. It's kind of a sucker punch.

You're excited to be finished. All your people are excited you're finished.

But you're not.

The physical fight is done, but usually it's taken so much energy and focus that you haven't paid much attention to the emotional aspect of having cancer. You feel a little lost because you've had all this support during the physical battle, and you're supposed to be celebrating being finished, but you feel untethered without the frequent medical surveillance and action, and uncertain about what's next. Because you're different. It's a daunting task to figure out how cancer has changed you and how you feel about it and what all that means.

I got off easy because I was in school to be an oncology nurse when I was diagnosed, so my experience dovetailed neatly into my new career goals. But it's a catalyst for change for many people.

And because the physical fight was a FIGHT, your body needs time to get back to normal. Recovery is a little about where you were physically when you went into treatment and a little about what kind of treatment you had. But mostly it's about how your body responded to treatment, which is all over the board. Some people breeze through with no trouble and return to normal pretty quickly. Others get knocked down pretty hard and need a lot more time. Like months or even years.

Recovery is hard, but surprising.

Sometimes it's bad surprising, like when we went on vacation after my first year of treatment. We were just walking around San Diego on flat sidewalks, nothing strenuous, but after a couple hours I was suddenly overwhelmed by fatigue! Without even the courtesy of a warning. It felt like I was walking through molasses, and it limited what we could do during our vacation.

After more treatment, walking for just 15 minutes left me tired enough to feel like I needed to sit down and rest! Ridiculous. Frustrating. Even embarrassing. Thankfully, at the time, I was in a fitness program specifically for cancer survivors, and my coach explained why it was happening and that it was OK. And temporary. (Even though my fatigue increased during that program, I actually got stronger - pretty cool.)

Other times, recovery is surprising in a really delightful way.

Suddenly, after mastectomies, I could raise my arms all the way up above my head - stretch, even. Oh boy, no other stretch ever felt so fantastic!

Suddenly, I realized I was walking easily through the grocery store parking lot, when it used to take a lot of effort.

Suddenly, I noticed that I hadn't napped in months and seven or eight hours of sleep was sufficient.

Those are fun moments. And SO encouraging.

If you're recovering from treatment, be patient. It will come in time, probably with little surprises along the way.

If you're walking alongside someone recovering from treatment, be patient a little longer. I know it can be excruciating. We are all anxious to get back to normal and you've already been supportive for a long time, but please hang in there with us - it will be greatly appreciated.

Remember, it took months to get through treatment, so recovery won't happen overnight. May you recover well and wisely. <3

It's Just One Big Experiment

First, a cancer update:

Lynparza, my new cancer-killing drug, is treating me well. However, the Death Cold that found me two weeks ago is not. Quite the opposite, it kicked me to the curb and held me down, including keeping me in bed for the first day of our camping trip. And leading to an unprecedented and disproportionate meltdown a few days later. All I'll say is, that was UG-LY, but my friends were very gracious. Or possibly just stunned into fearful silence. But I'm almost over it (the Death Cold AND the embarrassment of the meltdown), and life is returning to normal. 

I see my oncologist in a couple weeks and I think she'll order a CT scan for mid-September to see if this drug is working. 

Please continue to pray that the LYNNEparza is effective!

Photo: Tonight's dose. My hope is that the cute bowl makes it more fun to take these pills. Not really working.

Second, and more importantly, my near-miss at fame:

Today in church they showed a video to inspire people to sign up to help with the middle and high school programs. I was supposed to be on the big screen, but the Death Cold's grip kept me home on the filming day.

The video was just fine without me and my eight years of leading a student "lifegroup" (a small group that meets weekly through the school year for Bible study, prayer, and building friendships).

BUT 

I love teens and I love working with them, and I want to tell you what I would have said. 
Because working with teens is exciting and YOU should think about it!

In preparation for the shoot, they gave us three questions:

1) What has brought you joy as you serve in student ministries?

I could do a feature-length film on this question! 
It's everything from the ridiculous silliness that happens in the cabin during free time at camp to watching these young people own their faith and make important, even wise decisions about how they're going to live their lives. 
It's watching my relationship with the girls change from child-adult into mentor into friend, and hearing the conversations change in content and depth. 
It's the uncensored and often insightful questions that they ask. 
It's getting into the messy problems with them, because there's growth and change as we walk through that together. 
It's being surprised by gaining friendships with their parents as well as with the girls. 
It's seeing younger co-leaders excel. 
It's enjoying the girls laughing at me when I am curiously ignorant about their culture or when I freak out because they put their recently pulled out teeth in my hand.

Photo: True story: My hand. Their teeth. Ew!!!

2) How did you feel inadequate or ill-prepared to serve with students? How has God answered those fears?

Fear #1: Am I cool enough?

Answer: Probably not. And the older I get, the more definitely not. But I think cool is over-rated. Teens - like most people - just want you to be real and reliable and they want to be treated with respect. That I can do. What I love: God knows them and loves them and can make all the difference as they travel the rocky road from childhood to adulthood. It's a privilege to walk that path with them.

Fear #2: Am I wise enough?

Answer: Definitely not. But it's not about me or my abilities. I need to be prepared with prayer and study. I need to be honest, vulnerable, and growing myself, because whatever wisdom I have, whatever benefit I can offer, is all because God has changed and is changing me.

Have there been questions I can't answer? Absolutely! Which is a good thing - if I don't know everything, then it's OK for them not to know everything. We can learn how to find the answers together. 

Have there been times when I've walked away thinking no one heard anything? More than I can count! Often guiding a discussion with teen girls is like herding squirrels. That's right - not cats, squirrels. It's a whole new level of chaos. But who knows? Those are the times I walk away saying, "God, my efforts seem completely fruitless tonight, so You're just going to have to work in spite of me." Because, seriously, I might say something wise now and then, but only God can open their hearts and minds and make the connections. 

Also, I'm learning that the girls are really good at answering each others' questions. Which is pretty amazing to watch. And WAY more effective than an adult's answer.

Photo: Just keeping it real: You will feel like this sometimes. 

Only by God's grace and strength can you keep it to yourself. Silence can be golden. Just like fire.

Fear #3: Am I prepared for everything?

Answer: No way.

The journey from childhood to adulthood is full of every kind of change. Plus we live in a world of infinite choices and opinions and rapid change. It's a messy and completely unpredictable combination. 

Nobody can be prepared for that.

But you can be there and pray with them and ask God to teach and guide both you and the teens. And you will watch beautiful things happen. And those goofy youth pastors? Behind closed doors, when the kids aren't watching, they have a lot of wisdom and experience to share.

Basically, leading teens is a giant experiment. You just keep trying new things. Some bomb, some work well for awhile, occasionally you have a stroke of genius. But it is NEVER boring!

3) Tell at story about a student who has impacted you.

I was discussing this with my husband, trying to choose the best one. There are SO MANY stories. 

One of my favorites happened the year I couldn't go to camp because I had a cancer-related surgery a couple weeks before camp. But I wanted to visit, so I took my thoroughly stapled belly on the ferry and went to camp for the afternoon. One of the girls came running up to me and she was SO excited to take me on a walk and tell me all about what she'd been learning that week, including giving her life to Christ and giving up a hurtful habit. My heart couldn't be more full - her love and joy were so beautiful.

But if I'd been at the filming, my chosen story wouldn't have been about one student, but about all of them AND their parents. (There I go, bending the rules again.)

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, my co-leaders and the moms and all the girls threw me a big encouragement party. While they were getting ready, two girls led me blindfolded through the church, up and down the elevator even, for (undoubtedly) HOURS.

Photo: This turned out to be a great trust exercise!

When everything was (finally) ready, I was guided to the room and found pink and teal treats galore and everyone in custom-designed shirts. So much thought had gone into the party and all the pieces of it. The best part was that each girl had chosen a charm to represent herself on a charm bracelet for me. We had to add some links and make a necklace to have room for all the charms! 

Photo: Can you see the love?!

When I signed up to volunteer with youth, I expected to give. But I never expected to get so much out of it! The girls, the co-leaders, the parents, the growth, the laughter, and even the struggles are rich blessings. Even on the squirrel-iest days, I leave feeling filled and happier than when I came.

So... Just do it!