Recovery

First: cancer update

Not much news this week. I think I've finally got the upper hand with this cold. Thursday I will get the results of my blood draw, so we'll see if this drug is effecting my immune system. I am feeling the fatigue, the yucky chemo taste, and a little nausea - very annoying, but minor in the grand scheme of things.

Now: the interesting stuff

Yesterday, I had a FaceTime call with my brother and his family. If you've ever tried to do this with a five-, three-, and one year old, you know there's limited conversation and lots of craziness. Mostly good craziness.

During the call, my three year old niece was "massaging" my brother's back with her feet. We decided his back was going to look like the Olympic swimmers', but with foot marks instead of cup marks.

She declared she was stronger than her dad. So we asked her, "Who's the strongest person you know?" We thought she would say "Daddy!" Know what she said?!

"Auntie Lynne!" 

We were not expecting that answer! I am currently FAR from the strongest person she knows. But she's always been one of my biggest fans (for example, I was her number one nominee when they were looking for a new nanny). 

Photo: one of my biggest fans, and the world's most adorable three year old, 

showing her own strength by running barefoot on the rocks.

Later, I wondered if she heard someone comment on my strength in the context of all this cancer business. Regardless, her sweet vote of confidence was encouraging and inspiring as I seek hope and motivation to fight for recovery and increasing strength in the face of another round of treatment.

Recovery has been on my mind recently. In part because I felt so much progress, in part because it's a big topic among my cancer friends.

It's a little ironic to be writing about it now, when I'm back in treatment and feeling like I'm on a slippery, downhill slope.

One of the most surprising parts of cancer treatment and recovery happens after treatment is finished. It's kind of a sucker punch.

You're excited to be finished. All your people are excited you're finished.

But you're not.

The physical fight is done, but usually it's taken so much energy and focus that you haven't paid much attention to the emotional aspect of having cancer. You feel a little lost because you've had all this support during the physical battle, and you're supposed to be celebrating being finished, but you feel untethered without the frequent medical surveillance and action, and uncertain about what's next. Because you're different. It's a daunting task to figure out how cancer has changed you and how you feel about it and what all that means.

I got off easy because I was in school to be an oncology nurse when I was diagnosed, so my experience dovetailed neatly into my new career goals. But it's a catalyst for change for many people.

And because the physical fight was a FIGHT, your body needs time to get back to normal. Recovery is a little about where you were physically when you went into treatment and a little about what kind of treatment you had. But mostly it's about how your body responded to treatment, which is all over the board. Some people breeze through with no trouble and return to normal pretty quickly. Others get knocked down pretty hard and need a lot more time. Like months or even years.

Recovery is hard, but surprising.

Sometimes it's bad surprising, like when we went on vacation after my first year of treatment. We were just walking around San Diego on flat sidewalks, nothing strenuous, but after a couple hours I was suddenly overwhelmed by fatigue! Without even the courtesy of a warning. It felt like I was walking through molasses, and it limited what we could do during our vacation.

After more treatment, walking for just 15 minutes left me tired enough to feel like I needed to sit down and rest! Ridiculous. Frustrating. Even embarrassing. Thankfully, at the time, I was in a fitness program specifically for cancer survivors, and my coach explained why it was happening and that it was OK. And temporary. (Even though my fatigue increased during that program, I actually got stronger - pretty cool.)

Other times, recovery is surprising in a really delightful way.

Suddenly, after mastectomies, I could raise my arms all the way up above my head - stretch, even. Oh boy, no other stretch ever felt so fantastic!

Suddenly, I realized I was walking easily through the grocery store parking lot, when it used to take a lot of effort.

Suddenly, I noticed that I hadn't napped in months and seven or eight hours of sleep was sufficient.

Those are fun moments. And SO encouraging.

If you're recovering from treatment, be patient. It will come in time, probably with little surprises along the way.

If you're walking alongside someone recovering from treatment, be patient a little longer. I know it can be excruciating. We are all anxious to get back to normal and you've already been supportive for a long time, but please hang in there with us - it will be greatly appreciated.

Remember, it took months to get through treatment, so recovery won't happen overnight. May you recover well and wisely. <3