Worry-Pray-Worry-Pray-Worry-Pray…

When I lost my hair last April, I kinda liked it. It was new, and it worked, and I got to use all these lovely scarves I’ve collected over the years. And talk about convenience! Imagine a life without shampoo, conditioner, blow-driers, brushes, hair products and accessories… I had time and shelf space I’ve never had before. And when I was warm, a breeze on my bare head was deliciously refreshing.

Around November I started having hair envy. All these women with their beautiful, long, wavy locks; probably not relishing this gift sufficiently. Now, as I discuss the next round of treatment with my oncologist, I’m facing hair loss again. This time, not with anxiety, because I know the realities and advantages, but with some mourning, because those long, lovely locks are further from my reach. Maybe I’ll get a wig this time, just for fun.

My husband came through with a joke to soothe this situation. (There’s a highly amusing, in-poor-taste-but-super-therapeutic humor that comes with serious situations. I’m thankful for that.) He says, “God noticed that your hair is coming in blonde, so He decided He needed to start over and make it red again.” Admittedly flawed theology, but helpful humor!

That’s still a few months away, so we’ll carry on with the hair photos. After that, I’ll show you all my scarves.

Right now, I’m in between shocking news (that one group of my ovarian cancer cells is still growing) and action (surgery and the all-important pathology report that tells us what is really going on in there).

To say I’m begging God that it’s benign is an understatement. There’s about a 5% chance of that, so it’s possible. Not to mention that miracles happen occasionally.

Research says that the diagnostic process for cancer holds the highest anxiety for a patient. Once all the imaging and pathology reports are back and you know exactly what you’re dealing with, you can make a plan and move forward. It’s the waiting and wondering how big and strong your enemy is that creates anxiety – sometimes, according to research, it’s as severe as the anxiety people experience who are hospitalized for anxiety. Serious stuff.

While I’m not ready for hospitalization, the “what ifs” are crowding my mind these days. Of course, they come at unwelcome times, like the middle of the night or during a dinner date with my husband.

Somewhere along the line, in my quest to trust God and be more prayer minded, I experimented with using worry as a trigger to pray and turn the issue over to God. I thought it worked pretty well, and now it’s one of my favorite tactics. Just ask my husband: he’s the official family worrier, so I frequently remind him of my well-tested hypothesis. :)

While I’m in limbo, waiting to find out how threatening this unwelcome growth is, I am trying hard to spend more time trusting God, and less time freaking out. In action, my theory looks something like this:

“What if [insert terrible scenario here]?

“God, I trust you to take care of this and…

“But what about [additional bad scenario]?

“God, you are in control of this situation and I trust you…

“But the other bad thing that could happen is [more gloomy options]

“God, I know you’ll give me the strength and peace to handle this – but I’d appreciate some of that peace right now.”

And on and on it goes.

A week or so I found this on Facebook:

“How should you respond when one of life’s storms comes your way?

• Respond by going to God in prayer
• Refocus by focusing on God not the circumstance
• Rehearse what we know about God and His Word, in our mind (or verbally if     necessary)
• Rest by trusting God in the circumstance.

“Respond, Refocus, Rehearse, Rest!

“The key to not being controlled by fear is faith. When you live by faith there is nothing to fear! The key to faith is Bible study.”

It’s from Kay Arthur’s Precept Ministries blog (http://blog.precept.org/home/bid/177489/what-are-you-afraid-of?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_content=12ade8ea-addd-40ec-b58b-269bc5c77863)

As I work this teeter-totter between worry and respond-refocus-rehearse, I know I’ll spend more and more time in the resting space, and I’m really looking forward to that! Naturally, news that this growth is harmless would launch me into rest and, if I can add to Kay’s list, significant Rejoicing! In the meantime, I’m thankful that I have a God – and about a million friends – to help me through this time. Thank you! I love you all!

Broken Hallelujah

(This is a long post, but please stay with me – the best is at the end!)

I took this photo before church. After church and lunch, I went for my first HAIRCUT!!! Well, I called it a "man trim" because I just needed things cleaned up around my ears and hairline. I'm sure no one can tell but me, but it sure feels better!

But my hair-growing plan may be in jeopardy...

Halfway through nursing school, I was diagnosed with cancer, and I was so confused by this crater in my path. So many things had come together to make nursing school possible: it was like God had placed neon “GO THIS WAY” signs and was shining a big spotlight on the road. I was so excited to be pursuing a new career that was so perfectly suited to me.

After a little time and a lot of thinking, I decided that cancer was not going to conquer me. I was going to move forward with school and do as much as I could. If I had to quit, I would, but I certainly wasn’t going to go down without a fight.

Turns out, that cancer diagnosis, while not fun, was a huge blessing both personally and educationally. Really! Oncology was the specialty I wanted from the beginning, and now I have extra education that most nurses don’t have. Viewing treatment through a student nurse’s eyes made it easier to cope (and understand!). And I finished school on time, with only a couple minor special requests.

I know God’s preparing me for a great career in oncology.

So I’m confused again with the results of my first three-month check-up. I was totally unprepared for my oncologist to say, “We have a problem.”

(Given the chance to do it over again, I think I’d still go in unprepared for bad news – worrying usually produces nothing but indigestion and headaches, right?)

Anyway, the short story is that the 2cm blip on November’s CT, which the doctors were certain was just a post-op change, is now a 6cm (2”) ball that is “suspicious for” (aka almost certainly) cancer. These cells survived TWELEVE cycles of chemo. This was not part of MY plan! Now we’re talking another surgery, more chemo, maybe radiation – the full meal deal (if you want more details they're on my CarePages site: http://www.carepages.com/carepages/LynnesBCBattle). This news does NOT jive with my pursuit of being a stellar hospital nurse in the near future.

However, I believe in God, and believe that He is in control of everything, from the stars in the universe to whether or not my dishwasher continues to work. The Bible says He knows all our days before we were even born (Psalm 139:16, if memory serves). It also says that His plans for us are good: Jeremiah 29:11 says His plans are to prosper us, not to harm us. My frustration abides next to my faith in these promises. I know I can trust those promises because He’s brought me through many difficulties in the past. Those situations, whether quick or stretched over decades, have always been used for good purpose in the end.

This might sound strange, naïve, or even crazy if you don’t believe in God or haven’t trusted Him before. The best analogy I can give is parenting. Think of toddlers and teens and how they have plans and desires that seem so certain and even wise to them. But their loving parents have much more experience, perspective, and wisdom, so they don’t let the toddler run around in the parking lot, or climb out of reach on the playground. And they interfere with those “perfect” teen plans because they know the risks and dangers involved. Didn’t you, as a teen, say “Oh come on, Mom, that will NEVER happen!” And then you found yourself in a tough spot…

I see God as the parent, with a bigger perspective and infinitely more wisdom and knowledge than me.  When my plan is thwarted, I trust that this obstacle is redirecting me, teaching me, and ultimately part of a better, divine plan. And I’m totally on board with that, even when, like now, it looks pretty scary to me.

When I was first diagnosed, I created a Cancer Playlist, which is extremely helpful in maintaining my perspective and hope. I was listening to it yesterday, and one of my favorite songs came on: “Broken Hallelujah,” by Mandisa (remember her? One of the first American Idols, the first one Simon said was too heavy to be marketable? He had to apologize later).

I love this song even more today. It’s a stretch to say, “Hallelujah!” when my cancer persists aggressively in the face of extensive treatment. After only three months off, I’m headed back to treatment. This song says the broken praises I can muster today are enough for now.

You can listen to the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH16B5449Iw

Or just read the lyrics:

“With my love and my sadness,
I come before You Lord.
My heart's in a thousand pieces,
Maybe even more.

“Yet I trust in this moment
You're with me somehow.
And You've always been faithful,
So Lord even now…

“When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah,
When my only offering
Is shattered praise.
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins,
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah.

“Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve.
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn.

“How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace?
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place.”

(back to the chorus a time or two)

Why Blog?

That hair, it just keeps growing. And it's staying pretty blonde, so far. In the sun, Mike says it sparkles like amber. Pretty poetic!

A friend gave me this infinity scarf for my nursing graduation. It's really fun, but I'm undecided on how to wear it - unlooped seems best, the double loop feels quite Elizabethan, which inspired this shot:

Happily, it's spring and the weather is all over the place, AND I have occasional hot flashes, so I don't really have to decide. I just switch between one loop, two, or none, depending on my personal temperature.

On to more thoughtful thoughts...

I think I mentioned in one of my original posts that a good friend of mine, who’s not plugged in to social media, asked why people blog. I suppose we hope many someones out there want to know what we’re thinking about, which, when you say it like that, sounds incredibly narcissistic. Well, we ARE Americans. ;) But I’m kinda counter-culture, so I’m not comfortable with that answer, and I’ve been mulling it over as I explore the world of blogging.

Personally, I blog because I like other blogs so much. I love it when my friends blog because I learn so much about their lives and thoughts that I might not know otherwise. I’m finding that blogs help me get to know my friends better because we often share things in writing that are hard to reach in everyday conversations. As a cancer survivor and as a new nurse, I’ve discovered and been inspired, encouraged, and entertained by strangers’ blogs, too. My latest favorite is by a woman in Minneapolis who is going through prophylactic mastectomies: GreaterThanTheSumOfMyParts.wordpress.com. Great title, right?

I also blog because writing has always been something I enjoy, and it is infinitely easier for me to express myself on paper than out loud. It’s open-to-the-public journaling, which, while a bit scary, will hopefully enrich someone else. But if I’m the only one who reads it, I’m totally fine with that, too. Soon after my cancer diagnosis, I started using CarePages to keep everyone updated. In addition to easing the burden of communicating with lots of people, blogging was a helpful way to process my diagnosis and treatment.

As I blogged my way through a year of cancer, I was overwhelmed and puzzled by frequent compliments about how well I was handling everything. Honestly, I didn’t have any other viable option for proceeding – relying on God’s strength and promises and counting my blessings seemed like the only acceptable and sensible way to move forward. Now I’m watching a good friend navigate the same path, and I’m in awe of her positive coping and how she does a much better job than I did at giving glory to God through her journey. Today I told her she not only inspires me, but lets me know that I’m not the only one who sees the blessing in having cancer – if I’m crazy for thinking that, at least I’ve got some great company!

As I read my friend’s CarePages posts and think about why I’m falling in love with blogging, I realize that maybe it’s not the cancer that brings out our faith and spurs all those marveling compliments. Instead, it’s just that we don’t do a good job of expressing our faith and our thanksgiving in our daily, normal lives. Cancer definitely enriched my faith, but it didn’t create my faith, it just gave me a platform to express it. I had a really big situation in which to live out my faith, and lots of people were watching and listening because they were concerned about me.

Outside of cancer, my faith – my identity in Christ - is the same, but the stakes aren’t as high, and we don’t have time – or it feels funny – to go deeper in our conversations. For example, I joke that my dishwasher has been working on a wing and a prayer for the past several years. But I don’t progress to a more serious conversation, which would reveal that I really DO pray occasionally that the dishwasher will last until we have the money to replace it. I would also say I believe God cares about little things like my dishwasher and has a hand in keeping it functioning. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a miracle, but one button that didn’t work unless I slammed the door closed several times suddenly started working on the first try, without the dramatic slamming. Finally, I would tell you that most of the time I can overlook the bottom panel, which insists on being askew despite many efforts, some involving duct tape, to fix it. "Excuse me, your wires and insulation are showing…" There’s definitely a little grace from God that helps me ignore that.

Please, if you like to write, go forth and blog! And tell me about it, so I can get to know you better.

In other miniscule news, my husband just proclaimed that it’s time for lights out and he turned off my light using the switch by our bedroom door. It’s one of those lights with two switches. I let a lot of things go (that’s the grace of God, changing me from an uptight Type A to a relaxed Type B personality), but it really bugs me when the light is out and the switch is UP! That’s just wrong. In a heroic expression of love, my husband turned the light back on and went across the room to use the “right” light switch, even though he thinks it’s ridiculous that I’m so bothered by this little detail. He’s definitely a keeper. <3

My Key to Happiness

Another multi-week hiatus from blogging for me. Consistency outside of the workplace isn’t my forte. This time I have a better excuse: almost two weeks enjoying my family! They all live there, I live here, and, honestly, I really, really like them all, so it’s a huge treat to immerse myself in family. Toddlers, babies, sushi, fake eyelashes, Easter – we did a lot while we were there.

My hair, of course, continues to grow. With a little styling wax, I can even get a hairstyle going. Someone said I look like Michelle Williams! Thank you very much! I’m sure it’s just the hair, but I’ll take it. :)

My husband and me on Easter:  

My current 'do!

After I was diagnosed with cancer, several people encouraged me with devotional books. I think my mom sent the first one: “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young, and I love it. It’s written as if Jesus is talking to us directly, which, I admit, sometimes seems a bit presumptuous, but I am usually inspired, encouraged, and/or want to share what I read with someone.

Confession: I keep these devotional books in my bathroom! It can be difficult to find time during the day for Bible study, and I’m all about multi-tasking, so why not take my minute or two in the bathroom for a little infusion of God’s word? Can I go so far as to say, “garbage out, truth in”? Tee hee.

So… SURPRISE! I’m going to share a bit from Jesus Calling with you today. :) Didn’t see that coming, did you? Here it is:

“Before Satan tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden, thankfulness was as natural as breathing. Satan’s temptation involved pointing Eve to the one thing that was forbidden her. The garden was filled with luscious, desirable fruits, but Eve focused on the ONE fruit she couldn’t have rather than being thankful for the many things freely available. This negative focus darkened her mind, and she succumbed to temptation.”

Which, by the way, led to dragging Adam into it, and then they tried to hide from an all-seeing God. And what consequences for that one bite! Banishment from paradise; the struggles of work, relationships, and childbirth; and separation from God. And the common anxiety about snakes. All because she took her eyes off the abundance of their blessings and focused on the only off-limit item in the garden. However, the consequences came with a promise of redemption! But that's another topic. If you want to read the Biblical account, it’s in Genesis 3, at the very beginning of the Bible.

Thankfulness shines so greatly in Sarah Young’s reflection. Personally, I’m working on my own list of blessings. I started last January, after reading “1,000 Gifts” and before being diagnosed with cancer. I haven’t been consistent, but it’s a testimony to all the good things in my life. Most importantly, it records a portion of the multitude of good things that happened during cancer.

You know what happened when I wasn’t focused on my blessings and stopped writing in my book? I found myself grumpier and more likely to give in to selfish or depressing thoughts.

It’s a theory I’ve been testing for years, and I can say with certainty that cultivating a thankful heart is central to a contented, or happy, life. Even when life is hard, there is always something to be thankful for. And finding one good thing always opened my eyes to more good things.

After I started my list, Matt Redman came out with a song called “10,000 Reasons” about praising God for everything He’s given us (Listen to it on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtwIT8JjddM). Now I want my list to be 10,000 items long instead of 1,000. I’m only in the 500’s, but I’m planning to live many more years, so I think I can do it. But the “attitude of gratitude” is what I really want to practice, so that thanking God is “as natural as breathing.”

How about you? What are you thankful for? Especially on those rough days?