Counting Cancer

Sorry, I have no hair photo for you this week. Mostly because I keep forgetting, but I'm thankful for that forgetfulness because I am WAY overdue for a haircut. And I'm feeling like the Shaggy D.A. But the longer I wait, the fresher my cut will be when I visit my family for Christmas, so I've been wearing hats and wide headbands lately to disguise the overgrowth.

I am seriously considering keeping my hair short. It's fun and easy and I can show off all my earring collection. But I miss the long hair. Today one of my teens posted pics of her new 'do - she went from looooong hair to a jaw-length cut that can be straight and funky or soft and curly. So versatile, so adorable. I want to be just like her! Well, I want her hairdo. And she has killer taste in books.

Last summer I borrowed the Hunger Games series from her. And now I'm super excited to see Catching Fire. I have to confess to having a girl crush on Katniss Everdeen. I mean, come on, who doesn't love a warrior huntress with great hair, a smart head, a warm heart, and dresses that burst into flames?! What a list of credentials! After the Hunger Games series is done, maybe Katniss can become a scientist and do battle in the Cancer Games. 

At camp this summer, our speaker read Philippians 3:4-7 during one of his messages. This was written by the apostle Paul, who wrote a huge part of the New Testament. Here, he is listing all his credentials for being a superior Jew. And explaining that his superior qualifications have no value in comparison to knowing God. Here's the passage:

"...although I myself might have confidence even in the flesh. If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more: circumcised the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the Law, found blameless. But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ."

I was paying attention to the message - I even took excellent notes. I promise! But I was also recovering from lots of radiation, and my nether regions were UNHAPPY. So cancer was very much on my mind, and my thoughts wandered a little.

Paul's impressive list of credentials inspired me to count up my cancer experience. Not to brag or complain or get sympathy, but just to catalog my "cancer credentials." And maybe to justify to myself why it's OK that my body poops out on me too rapidly these days.

I just snapped out of a week or so of feeling tired/frustrated/irritated with my limitations. I know it's normal to feel those feelings, and I think it's important to sit with the bad feelings for awhile and work through them. But I'm much happier in the peaceful/grateful/contented space I usually occupy. My cancer defiance strategy works really well, but lately my body hasn't been supporting that plan. I suppose chinks in my armor are inevitable after almost two years. But I don't like it.

During my recent funk, I told God - and my doctor - that I thought I'd built up enough empathy for my future patients. Alright, already! And sometimes too many "credentials" yields a lack of empathy. (Honest in-my-head response to a complaint in my online reconstruction support group: "You had your expanders in for eight months? Honey, I'm going to at least double that." Including the "honey," which I never use, not even in my head.)

So, in no particular order, to remind myself why I'm tired and why my empathy sometimes lags - and why I'll be an awesome oncology nurse someday - here's what I've encountered along my cancer pathway:

7 doctors

2 physical therapists

1 genetic test

2 ports (central lines)

4 mammograms

4 MRIs

4 ultrasounds

6 CT scans (that's 12 "milkshakes")

3 biopsies

1 DEXA (bone density scan)

22 chemo infusion days (and counting)

5 surgeries (including about 40 staples - total - and approximately 18" of scars)

15 overnights in the hospital

32 daily radiation treatments

3 brachytherapy (specialized, intensive radiation) treatments

6 expander fills (part of the reconstruction process)

2 videos (and one little black dress)

111 CarePages updates (and 892 messages!!!)

48 blog posts

countless fantastic nurses (and one grump)

about a million appointments

lots of new friends and improved relationships

As I get ready to dust off my Christmas playlists, it seems like there should be a riff on The 12 Days of Christmas based on my list. Something like "Five Sur-Ger-Eeees! ... Four MRIs, Three biopsies, Two central lines, and a mutation in-nnn her genes."