My Favorite Christmas Song

Merry Christmas! 

I was planning to tell you about my favorite Bible story this month, because it happens to be a Christmas story, but it's 11:30 on Christmas eve and my lovely little nieces are going to be up by 7:30am, and I don't want to miss any part of their Christmas morning. Especially knowing how cool their Christmas present is (the one their parents just finished assembling). I can't wait!

Instead, I'll share my absolute favorite Christmas song with you.

Warning: I have weird taste in Christmas music. I love all the traditional carols, but one of my favorite songs is Aimee Mann's "The River," which is more about running away than celebrating Christmas. The chorus says, "I wish I had a river I could skate away on." I think skating miles on a river appeals to this Midwest girl. Another favorite is "In the Bleak Midwinter."

In contrast, "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is also on the favorites list: doesn't get much cozier than that! And I love those J-I-N-G-L-E Bells. :)

But my hands-down favorite is another somewhat melancholy one. It's also obscure - maybe because it's reflective and not very celebratory, it's not played much. It's called "Breath of Heaven" or "Mary's Song."

I like it because, years ago, the chorus resonated so deeply with me. She has four requests of Jesus:

• hold me together
• be forever near me
• lighten my darkness
• pour over me your holiness

If Mary, while she's carrying baby Jesus, after she's been visited by an angel who confirmed this crazy scenario, still feels the need for God's presence and still feels like she's falling apart, certainly it's OK if I feel like that!

I'll leave you with the lyrics, a YouTube link so you can listen, and a blessing on your Christmas Day: may you feel love and peace in abundance, whatever your circumstances and whatever your day looks like. Much love from me to you.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOQRtYYERGo

I have travelled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I've done.
Holy Father you have come,
And chosen me now to carry your Son.
I am waiting in a silent prayer.

I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now,
Be with me now.

Breath of Heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of Heaven.
Breath of Heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of Heaven.


Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Red Cup vs. Baby Jesus and other weekend tidbits

Finally! A haircut! 

I have to admit, with short hair, I'm a bit paranoid about having middle-aged-lady hair. I want youthful and funky. I think this time I came away on the wrong side of the middle-aged line... my hubby says it's better if I push it back off my forehead. Here are a few options. I have to say, I like the photos better than the mirror, even with the skeptical expressions. What do you think?

I went to the post office. On the Saturday before Christmas. There were about 30 people in line. 

Psst: The self-serve kiosks are the bomb! You can do almost everything there, the line is always shorter, and you don't have to deal with the cranky postal employee at the counter. Then again, maybe I don't want to let you in on this secret, because then my short cut line will be longer...

So - the Red Cup. You know, the Starbucks one that everyone posts on Facebook on November 1st. I got one this weekend:

As someone who spent many years of my life developing and promoting brands, I appreciate Starbucks' innovation and extremely effective brand. But, as someone who doesn't like coffee in any form (not even mocha chip ice cream - really), I don't get the mystique of the red cup. It's just red. What if we were that excited about Baby Jesus? After all, if we weren't celebrating his birthday, we wouldn't have this season and the red cup that comes with it. Just saying...

Other random tidbits from this weekend:

1. I finally opened a box I packed in March. Back then, I was at my annual scrapbooking/crafting weekend with my bffs, and I was making sets of cards to give as Christmas gifts. And THIS year I was going to be done with all my Christmas gifts before Halloween. Well... good intentions, anyway. This weekend is all about finishing those cards. It's crunch time, but I'm having a ball! It's been too long since I've played with paper and glue. Here's a sneak peak. The owls in the canoe make me giggle.

2. Because I was immersed in making cards, I completely forgot about my cancer support group Christmas meeting. Thankfully, one of them texted me to find out where I was. A change of clothes, a powdered nose, and a bowl of clementines later, I was on my way. I love this group - all Christian women, so we process the cancer experience through the filter of a loving, all-powerful God, and the group is a positive, encouraging experience. There are a few who have chosen to focus on naturopathic medicine after their initial traditional treatment. We talked about that a lot this time (well, pretty much every time), so I felt a little strange making this grocery purchase immediately afterward:

Not all for me, I must add! It's a movie-themed gift, a treat for my husband (his request), and my crafting beverage.

3. While making cards, I'm listening to Christmas music. Specifically, a group called The Three Wisemen. They're a local band and include Timothy James Meany; if you were up on contemporary Christian music two or three decades ago, you probably recognize his name. Last year they played at the Christmas dinner I attend every year with a couple friends, and I was hooked. They have beautiful versions of Lo, How A Rose E're Blooming and I Saw Three Ships - I finally know the words and they're lovely! Check them out on TheThreeWisemen.com or iTunes. 

4. I had Facetime calls with my brother and sister, a traditional call with another sister, all to discuss my Christmas trip to see them. In addition to Christmas, I think there will be Mexican dinners, broomball, and a Sunday Suppers cooking demo. All overshadowed by spending time with my adorable little nieces and nephews. :) And revealing my super-awesome, creative, budget-friendly, sentimental Christmas gift for my family! Can't wait!

5. I also wrestled with my physical therapy. Thanks to cancer, my body is rapidly falling apart. I'm trying not to be grouchy about it, but I'm often unsuccessful. As a result of all the treatments, I have almost 20 PT exercises to stretch or strengthen my beaten body. TWENTY. My compliance is negligible. So I made myself a checklist and divided the list in half. Maybe with gold stars and a lighter load each day, I will actually DO these exercises consistently. You gotta fight hard to regain what's been lost!

And now, I have red potatoes in the crock pot for dinner. It's made a couple strange clicky noises, so I'd better check it out. My husband keeps thinking there's roast beast in the pot, even though I keep saying POTATOES. He might be disappointed when I hand him his dish! Oh well, his health will thank me.

PS He loved the potatoes! If you want to try it, it's just a bit of olive oil, spices, and chunks of potatoes on high for a couple hours.

Putting Some Shine in the Season

My still-uncut hair. Gotta pick up that phone and call the stylist one of these days.

BUT it's thinning!!! Boo hoo!!! The doctor said neither of my current chemo drugs would cause hair loss. However, alopecia (fancy term for hair loss) is listed as a side effect for both drugs, and my hair is definitely thinner than it was. At least I started out with pretty thick hair. At this point, I'm hoping I can make it to the end of chemo without having to go back to baldness. Too bad my armpit hair isn't falling out...

In other news...

This might be stating the obvious, but the longer this cancer battle becomes, the harder it is. I'll be honest - today was pretty rotten.

Not because I'm feeling bad physically. I actually walked my dog for 30 minutes today and did some yoga without feeling worn out! This isn't a fitness issue, it's a fatigue thing, which I struggle with accepting because I question whether it's laziness rather than my body betraying me. I'm actually stronger and more flexible than I was several months ago. But I run out of gas too early in the day if I don't pace myself carefully. Cancer fatigue is real - scientifically documented and all that - but that doesn't make it any easier to embrace.

These days, I just feel like I'm falling short in just about every area. Fatigue or not, it seems like I should have things more together.

In an attempt to shake off my funk today, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite Christmas ornaments. You know, spread some Christmas warmth and fuzziness. This is our first year with an artificial tree. I fought it for years, but I LOVE it! No gross water, no worries about it drying out, no needles dropping off, no stringing-of-lights. And it can be up for weeks and weeks! Here's the big-picture view:

Mine is a rustic, hodge-podge tree. No coordinated theme for me! We've got beautiful glass balls right alongside homemade creations and some wacky gift ornaments that came from people I cherish, so they stay, even though they're strange (example: a purple winged creature... horse? dog? dragon? I'm not quite sure).

This first ornament is a little tricky to place because it's so heavy! The photo is from our first Christmas, when we were had fewer years, fewer pounds, and more hair. Still, I think we look better now.

I love the rustic sweetness of the next one. It's painted clay and I bought several for gifts at a craft fair years ago. I had to keep two of them for myself. :)

This one I have to hang where Mike doesn't see it often. It's wacky - I don't know where that blue hair came from! The hair used to be styled well, but I like the unruliness that has come with the passing years. It reminds me of my grandma (because I think it came from her, not because it LOOKS like her!). And it's comforting to have an angel that isn't all pristine white and perfectly coiffed.

This one reminds me of my super crafty auntie. It's so delicate, with its dried flowers and crocheted heart shape, but it has been amazingly durable... I'm sure it's over 20 years old!

This one comes from a set of clay ornaments I made when we were newly married and very poor. They're commonly on my list of ornaments to retire, but each year when I unwrap them, I think they're pretty cool all over again, so they stay.

Ah, this sweet little Scandinavian cutie! I love her. She's a nod to my heritage, surviving the purge of several Ikea ornaments a few years ago.

I should ask my parents why they chose this ornament for me. I was certainly no angel when I was small. Wishful thinking, perhaps. ;)

This star is part of a set of crystal ornaments we received from neighbors. Our original neighbors rented out their home, much to our relief since we had some issues with the owners. The renters were a lovely older couple with whom we developed a close relationship. She gave us this set one Christmas. Since then, they moved away and she died. I like this annual reminder of their big hearts and our friendship.

I have a few ornaments like this Santa that my grandma made for me. She passed away several years ago, and I still miss her. Last night I had a dream that I was able to sit by her bedside and talk to her one more time - it was so real! And I'm missing her afresh today.

Finally, a new treasure, given to me last night by a dear friend's mom.

It's glittery and sparkly, and the sentiment is my wish for myself - and all of us - for this busy season and always. May God's peace find a resting place in our hearts. And make us sparkle.

Kitchen Experiments and Other Thanksgiving News

Here's my current shaggy hair disguise. :) The bangs are fun!

(This was taken at my chemo appointment this week. Mike started taking a picture of me at each treatment, and I try to remember when he doesn't come along.)

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Wouldn't I be a negligent blogger if I didn't document my holiday efforts in the kitchen?! I wasn't planning to post any of my clumsy efforts, but then all these friends started posting pictures of well-crafted pies on Facebook. My approach to the kitchen is a lot more rustic, so I "threw down" and told my CookingCanBeBeautiful (bragging) friends that I'd be posting a picture of my messy-but-delicious green bean casserole.

Which turned out extra delicious this year, I must say.

You see, it's never the same twice. I am not a very good recipe follower. If I don't have an ingredient, I'll make a substitute - running 0.75 miles to the grocery store just takes WAY too long. And if I have an extra ingredient that sounds like it might help, I toss that in, too. 

This approach hasn't always been successful, but hours of FoodNetwork TV has helped my food strategy immensely, and now most of my alterations and experiments turn out alright.

So here's the infamous green bean casserole:

I also roasted some veg - my absolute favorite way to eat veggies! However, I was running a little short on time and didn't leave them in long enough. They were good, but could have been better.

Yes, those are grapes with the cauliflower. And capers. Weird, right?! But the magazine picture was pretty, so I tried it. The grapes caramelize into this crunchy, sweet mess and the whole thing tastes delicious.

(If you haven't roasted veg, try it - it's SO easy! Just toss your favorite with olive oil and sea salt, spread out on a cookie tray and bake at 450-ish. Cooking time varies by size and density of your veg - but start with 15 min and just watch them till the edges turn brown.)

I also made this savory monkey bread. Different pieces of dough were rolled in herbs, cheese, garlic, or nuts. Fun and easy, just like I like it.

My last kitchen brag: cranberry relish. This is probably my favorite - just cranberries, apples, oranges, and pineapple chopped to bits with a little sugar to combat the cranberries. It sits overnight so the flavors can marry. It's so fresh and lovely, and I can eat it like candy.

For breakfast, we blended some up with vanilla yogurt for a smoothie. Mike thought it was too sour, so he had me nervous about the relish, but I concluded, after some deliberation, that he was expecting a smoothie to be a lot sweeter. :)

Since creative activities are WAY more in my wheelhouse than cooking and baking, this is my favorite Thanksgiving project:

It's a thankfulness turkey! We all wrote things we are thankful for on the back of the feathers, and used a toothpick (and some tape) to stick the feather into a foam ball that stood for the turkey's body. Isn't it cute?! 

(The body was supposed to be brown, but I ran out of spray ink, so he ended up being Disco Turkey with a glittery silver body. Fancy pants!)

Later, we plucked the turkey, taking turns reading the feathers and guessing who wrote each one. It turned out to be a really fun activity.

From me and mine to you and yours, Happy Thanksgiving, and may you see all your blessings this holiday season.

Counting Cancer

Sorry, I have no hair photo for you this week. Mostly because I keep forgetting, but I'm thankful for that forgetfulness because I am WAY overdue for a haircut. And I'm feeling like the Shaggy D.A. But the longer I wait, the fresher my cut will be when I visit my family for Christmas, so I've been wearing hats and wide headbands lately to disguise the overgrowth.

I am seriously considering keeping my hair short. It's fun and easy and I can show off all my earring collection. But I miss the long hair. Today one of my teens posted pics of her new 'do - she went from looooong hair to a jaw-length cut that can be straight and funky or soft and curly. So versatile, so adorable. I want to be just like her! Well, I want her hairdo. And she has killer taste in books.

Last summer I borrowed the Hunger Games series from her. And now I'm super excited to see Catching Fire. I have to confess to having a girl crush on Katniss Everdeen. I mean, come on, who doesn't love a warrior huntress with great hair, a smart head, a warm heart, and dresses that burst into flames?! What a list of credentials! After the Hunger Games series is done, maybe Katniss can become a scientist and do battle in the Cancer Games. 

At camp this summer, our speaker read Philippians 3:4-7 during one of his messages. This was written by the apostle Paul, who wrote a huge part of the New Testament. Here, he is listing all his credentials for being a superior Jew. And explaining that his superior qualifications have no value in comparison to knowing God. Here's the passage:

"...although I myself might have confidence even in the flesh. If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more: circumcised the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the Law, found blameless. But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ."

I was paying attention to the message - I even took excellent notes. I promise! But I was also recovering from lots of radiation, and my nether regions were UNHAPPY. So cancer was very much on my mind, and my thoughts wandered a little.

Paul's impressive list of credentials inspired me to count up my cancer experience. Not to brag or complain or get sympathy, but just to catalog my "cancer credentials." And maybe to justify to myself why it's OK that my body poops out on me too rapidly these days.

I just snapped out of a week or so of feeling tired/frustrated/irritated with my limitations. I know it's normal to feel those feelings, and I think it's important to sit with the bad feelings for awhile and work through them. But I'm much happier in the peaceful/grateful/contented space I usually occupy. My cancer defiance strategy works really well, but lately my body hasn't been supporting that plan. I suppose chinks in my armor are inevitable after almost two years. But I don't like it.

During my recent funk, I told God - and my doctor - that I thought I'd built up enough empathy for my future patients. Alright, already! And sometimes too many "credentials" yields a lack of empathy. (Honest in-my-head response to a complaint in my online reconstruction support group: "You had your expanders in for eight months? Honey, I'm going to at least double that." Including the "honey," which I never use, not even in my head.)

So, in no particular order, to remind myself why I'm tired and why my empathy sometimes lags - and why I'll be an awesome oncology nurse someday - here's what I've encountered along my cancer pathway:

7 doctors

2 physical therapists

1 genetic test

2 ports (central lines)

4 mammograms

4 MRIs

4 ultrasounds

6 CT scans (that's 12 "milkshakes")

3 biopsies

1 DEXA (bone density scan)

22 chemo infusion days (and counting)

5 surgeries (including about 40 staples - total - and approximately 18" of scars)

15 overnights in the hospital

32 daily radiation treatments

3 brachytherapy (specialized, intensive radiation) treatments

6 expander fills (part of the reconstruction process)

2 videos (and one little black dress)

111 CarePages updates (and 892 messages!!!)

48 blog posts

countless fantastic nurses (and one grump)

about a million appointments

lots of new friends and improved relationships

As I get ready to dust off my Christmas playlists, it seems like there should be a riff on The 12 Days of Christmas based on my list. Something like "Five Sur-Ger-Eeees! ... Four MRIs, Three biopsies, Two central lines, and a mutation in-nnn her genes."

Random Facts

There's a Facebook "game" going on now. You get a number from a friend and post that many of random facts about yourself. How do you get that number? You "like" your friend's list. 

I probably over-like things on Facebook. It's my way of saying, "I hear you. I appreciate your thought. But I don't have a response that's interesting enough for a comment."

I had fun reading my friend's list. So I forgot the rules/consequences in this case, and hit "like." I was repaid with the number ELEVEN! That's the first time I've seen double digits in this game.

AND THEN another friend played the game and I forgot the rules AGAIN and liked her list. She gave me an 8. Whoa. 11 + 8 = 19 random tidbits. 

While I was doing my pre-reqs for nursing, I was able to take three classes from one of my favorite profs. The only drawback was her universal first assignment: a paper on plaigerism and academic integrity. She was somewhat militant about it. The most interesting thing I learned: using your own work for more than one assignment breaks the rules.

However, since this isn't school, I'm going to make my list of eight things, and then add on three more for a grand TOTAL of eleven. Coming off daily blogging in October, doing more than that seems like an unreasonably excessive dose of me. :)

So here are my eleven little-known tidbits:

1. I hold back my overwhelming enthusiasm about being an aunt. I'd like to show everyone whatever latest adorable photo or video I've received of these little cuties, and plaster the photos everywhere. If it's a video, I watch it six or seven times in a row. And I think you should, too. But I know a baby is just a baby to a stranger, so I try not to be obnoxious.

2. I love to mow the lawn.

3. I still miss the first house I lived in. A dead end street, my best friend across the street, walking a mile to school, white picket fence, detached garage, and a super cool, pine paneled attic bedroom. I even think being under the airline pathway was pretty neat.

4. My hair is thinning! I hope it's the current chemo (temporary) and not a permanent effect from the last chemo regimen.

5. Until I started pursuing my nursing degree, I had a bad case of wanderlust. I loved any story about leaving "normal" life behind and going on a crazy adventure. Think "Eat, Pray, Love" and "House Hunters International." Now, I still like those stories, but I don't have the desire for a big change anymore.

6. I owned a horse for a couple years. I'm sad because she flogged the horse-craziness out of me. I still appreciate horses, but I have zero fantasies about owning one again. Way too much work. But maybe I'll take riding lessons someday.

7. In college, I spent a lot of time in the yearbook darkroom. Singing Janet Jackson at the top of my lungs. Believing, incorrectly I'm sure, that the room was soundproof!

8. In college, I was almost NOT the student association vice president. I started as secretary (campaigning was a ton of fun, something that pleasantly surprised me), and second semester we had to juggle things around because, due to some low grades (you know, activities over studies), we lost our president. The guys on the council didn't want a girl to be VP, just in case the new pres had to step down - they didn't think a female pres was appropriate.

9. I'm a manicure snob. And I prefer to do it myself.

10. The only carnival game I have any skill with is the shooting game. Consequently, I whooped my husband once, and now he calls me Annie Oakley. We haven't faced off since.

11. I've lost 30 lbs in the last two years!

There you go - now you know "all" my secrets. Or I'd like you to think so. ;)

*BOO!* I Have Cancer!

This fall, I've been participating in a cancer recovery program at my local YMCA. Twice a week, I meet with other cancer survivors. Theoretically, we spend half an hour talking like a support group, then spend an hour on cardio and strength training.

Sometimes our group is more "talkee," less "workee." My main goal in the program is physical improvement, but on days like today, when I really just wanted to stay in bed or on the couch watching the Food Network, I was all in on the long conversation and the short workout. :)

(I did walk home from the Y and walk my dog, so I did do my 30+ minutes today.)

Today's topic was the "new normal" after cancer: what was it like, did we accept it, did we fight against it.

This is a group of women. Naturally, we didn't stay on topic. Well, eventually we answered the question. I think.

But one of our rabbit trails has stuck in my mind today. Several women commented on lost friendships. People who were close to them, but didn't know how to handle a friend with cancer, so they just disappeared.

Were they scared? It's not like cancer's catching, but it does force us to face mortality on some level, and some people just won't go there. One person said "friends" claimed they could SMELL the cancer. (Seriously?! And you would SAY that? I'd go and make lutefisk, just so I could have a lye bath to scrub off the alleged smell.) Others have no idea how to help and freeze into inactivity, fading out of the picture.

Aren't we terribly afraid of not having all the answers? Of not knowing exactly what to do? And when we don't know, we retreat, rather than ask and try to understand? I wish our culture encouraged more vulnerability so it would be easier to say, "I care about you, but I have no idea what this is like, or what to do for you."

Of course, it's a lot less fun to hang out with someone who's not doing well. Maybe you used to go out hiking or eating or dancing, and now your partner in crime is weak and nauseous and hanging out in the chemo infusion room. We're not having much fun, either, obviously, but we really need - and appreciate - our people. You are good medicine.

My biggest need through treatment has been having someone present. I have infinite appreciation for the meals, cleaning, dog walking, gifts, etc. that an army of people have provided for me, but what I want and value the most is someone THERE: to sit with me during chemo, or to visit me at home, or go out to lunch. Having my husband drive me to and from my blood draws makes me feel spoiled and - almost - pampered.

So here's the question I want to answer: 

What should you do when someone gets cancer? 

Everyone offers help, and it's so normal to feel helpless. The person with cancer doesn't want to admit they need help because that would be admitting that Cancer has claimed some of their territory. We're pretty desperate if we actually ask for help beyond agreeing to some meals. And sometimes we don't understand that you NEED to help, probably more than we need you to help - you need something tangible to do, rather than stand helplessly by and read our CarePage update about how sick we're feeling.

Here's what I've learned:

Do what you like to do. Say something like "I want to clean/cook/drive/whatever for you. Would that help? When?"

If you like to cook, bring a meal. Ask about preferences - it might need to be mild, it might need to go in the freezer.

If you like to clean, offer to clean. And be a little forceful and specific about what you want to do. You could just do the vacuuming. Or wash their car. And try to convince them you WANT to help in this way. This might be the most refused service - if I've been sick, my house is a mess and I don't want to share that with anyone. Better secret rings in the toilet than asking someone to attack them, right?

If you like to do yard work, ask when you can come over to mow and edge. Or when you can send the kids to weed. :)

If you like to make or buy cards, don't even ask - just drop them in the mail.

If you have lots of money and no time, send a gift card for take out or groceries.

If you like to drive, offer to take them to and from appointments.

If you spend all day running around town, offer to drop off and pick up prescriptions, or run other errands.

If you're a beauty fanatic, offer to help them with makeup, wigs, scarves, etc.

If you like TV, movies or sports, offer to come over and watch with them. Emphasize no hostessing required: they answer the door and return to the couch. It's OK to be slightly, lovingly bossy.

If you love all things medical and like to research (on credible sites), ask if they need more information about anything (it's OK to bring suggestions). My group today also touched on how much you DON'T learn from the doctors and nurses ahead of time. (Disclaimer: there's an enormous mountain of information about cancer, and patients can only absorb so much each time, and we don't want to scare you unnecessarily, so we pick and choose what we tell you in the interest of absorption and relevance.) This is a tricky one - you need to have a good relationship and you need to be sensitive to the person with cancer- able to sense when they're overwhelmed. And you must stick to good, solid, well-researched information. They have plenty of people offering them one miraculous food or supplement or headstand position that will cure everything.

If you share a low-key hobby, bring your knitting over and chat, or bring them a copy of your favorite new book or video game.

If you like to talk (and your friend likes to listen to you or talk with you), take them to (or meet them at) coffee, or lunch, or chemo. Or go to their house. Ask what they want to talk about. Sometimes they will want to talk about cancer. Sometimes they will want to talk about anything BUT cancer.

If you like the same music, poems, or inspirational quotes, go and find some to share with them. One of my friends combs Pinterest for well designed quotes, and every once in awhile they pop up in my inbox, usually with no subject line. :)

If they have a blog, read it and comment once in awhile. You can make the comment private if you want. We can see who visits, and those visits and comments are infinitely encouraging.

You get the idea: use your gifts, be gently assertive, and go love your friend.

Don't be afraid - we're figuring this out as we go along, too.

P.S. In this scenario, there's also a caregiver - the spouse, parent, child - the person who is the primary support person. Don't forget them! Take them out and do something fun! Ask how they're doing and just listen - no advice, no judgment, no turning it back to you. This is a good way to find out what they might need, and you can go forth afterward and recruit help. If they don't want to leave the cancer patient, find out what the patient needs, stay there, and let the caregiver go out. In some ways, being a caregiver is harder than being the patient. They need love and support, too.

Traumatized!

First, the hair, because that's why we're here after all, right? I'm due for a haircut, just having difficulty finding a time when my skilled friends are available. Time to go back to the regular salon, I think.

Ever watched the show Bones? It's one of my favorites, but today's episode has me crying "EW!!!" and hiding my eyes.

Not because of the dead bodies.

It's the SLUGS. And the fly. The one that's growing in Hodgins' neck. EW!

I hate slugs. And they're all over the place in the Pacific Northwest. Years ago, I visited a dear friend, and when I got home and unpacked, I found a tupperware container she slipped into my luggage. Filled with slugs! Agghhh! What do you DO with such a gift?! With such a friend?! I don't remember what I did - probably took it to the outside trash. And called her and we laughed.

So in today's show, the slugs are slithering in and out of the victim's bones. Lots of them. AND THEN they're planning to put the slugs in a blender to analyze trace evidence. Proof that this is beyond gross, in spite of all the gore Bones is willing to show, they spared us the slug smoothie. Good thing - I'd probably be screaming all night long.

On top of that, the fly - the red bump on the back of Hodgins' neck - how are they going to make that emergence cool and not traumatizing?! I'm not going to make it through this unscathed.

But for sure, the team will use cool science to solve the mystery and track down the bad guy - or girl, it would seem in this case. Good wins, bad is brought to justice.

In better media news, we saw Ender's Game today. Great movie!!! Now I'm excited to read the books.

For the record, I used to re-read books just before the movie came out. Ruined the movie every time. So now I read the book after seeing the movie. It prevents me from forming my own images of the characters, which is a bummer, but it allows me to enjoy the movies and the books. Now I'm looking forward to Hunger Games.

Happy Veteran's Day, everyone!

Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

If you read my last post, you know I was working on a special costume. Today, it was a hit! I was a little nervous that I might be breaking some unspoken doctor-patient code, so I checked with my sister-in-law (a doctor) to see if dressing up as my oncologist would fly. She gave me the green light, and my doctor was pretty amused. Enough to request a picture - good thing, because I almost forgot!

Today is a full day for me: Bible study, lunch, chemo, my student lifegroup. I'm so thankful  I have the energy for 12 hours of activity! And I'll be thankful I can rest tomorrow afternoon, too. 

Considering my full day, today's post is just a random collection of -ing prompts. How would you complete these words?

Savoring the last dry days of fall.

Finishing with blogging every day this month -- thankfully, just one day to go!

Learning to live with purpose. 

Trying to ignore that, while having lunch with a friend today, the manager thought I was her MOM!!!

Missing my motivation.

Hesitating on getting a job right now. Should I? Shouldn't I? I've decided I'm like a couple who wants to have kids and has stopped birth control but isn't actively trying to conceive. We'll see what happens.

Ingesting deliciously roasted pumpkin seeds that we made last night.

Resolving to embrace MY cancer story: that it's a good story and it's OK to admit that it hasn't been a terrible experience for me.

Thinking there aren't enough hours in the day, even when you're not working.

Feeling disappointed because I have to start taking a blood pressure med. One of my chemo drugs pushes BP up, so my formerly perfect BP now needs medication. :(

Watching the fall leaves outside my window.

Living a full life.

Loving my cancer survivor "reclamation" program at the Y. I'm feeling stronger every week.

Working on being a better cook. And it seems to be working!

Wishing for lots of platelets so I don't "flunk" out of chemotherapy. Last week I generated over 100,000 - a record for me! I believe there must have been lots of people praying for me. :)

Cherishing photos and videos from home, starring my nieces and nephews. They make my day every time.

Anticipating my birthday painting party on Friday night. I can't wait to be creative with friends. 

Thanking God for my student lifegroup - I might show up feeling glum, but by the end of our session, they always cheer me up.

How to Celebrate a Birthday

What do you do for a beautiful fall birthday? My husband thought we should do something like this:

He wants to be sure I am celebrated properly. But I was ready for a quiet day at home, so instead I started out with my new friends in the Livestrong cancer survivor program at the YMCA. After cardio, we did some strength & flexibility with exercise balls. I'd like to say we look like this:

But in reality, it's a lot more like this:

Next on the agenda, after a shower and lots of Facebook birthday greetings, Mike and I went to lunch. We indulged in chicken wings. Our eyes were bigger than our stomachs, so we had leftovers for dinner. Nice!

Then, a few errands, including a stop at Target to get an essential piece of my Halloween costume. You see, I have chemo tomorrow, so I'm going to go in costume... as my oncologist! She has a pretty distinct style (button down, black fleece/pants/shoes, always the same jewelry), and I'm hoping she gets a kick out of my imitation. I just needed a black fleece to finish my "costume." And, bonus, I found this cute motorcycle-inspired vest, too. Happy birthday to me!

Next up, pumpkins and Halloween treats. And calls from family and friends as well as more of the flood of Facebook birthday greetings. Makes a girl feel pretty special.

This was our first time carving pumpkins with those fancy tools and templates. I chose a simple pattern, and Mike went for something more complex. Since I was also separating out the pumpkin seeds and roasting them, we finished at the same time. We're pretty pleased with our results!

Now, our feet are up and we're enjoying a few of our favorite DVR'd programs.

All in all, this was one of my favorite birthdays ever. Life is good and full of blessings.

I Love the Day After the All-Star Game

Check out my hair: it's long enough that I can have bangs!!!

Almost 20 years ago, I married a sports fan.

When we were dating, and during the first years of our marriage, I tried really hard to share his passion. I sat beside him and watched games on TV. I went to a few games at the ballpark. I asked questions and looked for things to engage my interest.

The Mariners almost hooked me, because I was trying to morph into a sports fan while they were winning 116 games in a season. That was fun!

After about five years of concerted effort, I realized my attention and commentary centered on things like uniforms, players' hair, and people in the stands.

And I had to admit: I am not a sports fan.

I love a lot of things about October. But there's about a million hours of football and baseball on that month. Really? Do we really need football five days out of the week?!

This is when I start dreaming about the middle of summer, when the day after the baseball All-Star game arrives. Many years ago, Mike told me it was the only day there wasn't some kind of professional sporting event. That's probably changed now - kinda like the addition of Thursday night football. It's just the principle: it's not like SportsCenter shuts down or anything. But it seems that, if there are 364 days with professional sports on the calendar, the 365th should be special.

I've tried to figure out what women have that's the equivalent of sports. What do we have that has legends, stats, groups to follow, celebrities to idolize? Maybe soap operas? Fashion? Reality TV? (Believe me, if Project Runway was on every night, I'd be pretty excited.) Possibly gossip, but that's a horrible reflection. But nothing as pervasive as sports. 

I still like going to the ballpark. I like the pre-game activities, especially singing the National Anthem. I like the atmosphere, the people-watching, the implied license to indulge in All-American food. I try to pay attention to part of the game, but, inevitably, I'll be standing and clapping with the crowd and lean over to ask Mike, "Why are we cheering?" One time it was because Ken Griffey, Jr. was coming up to bat. Oops! There's just so much going on!

Most importantly, I love my sports fan. And I know he loves me a lot because he often switches off the game so we can watch something we both like. So it's pretty easy to support my sports fan when there are games he really wants to watch. We've found our happy medium.