Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

If you read my last post, you know I was working on a special costume. Today, it was a hit! I was a little nervous that I might be breaking some unspoken doctor-patient code, so I checked with my sister-in-law (a doctor) to see if dressing up as my oncologist would fly. She gave me the green light, and my doctor was pretty amused. Enough to request a picture - good thing, because I almost forgot!

Today is a full day for me: Bible study, lunch, chemo, my student lifegroup. I'm so thankful  I have the energy for 12 hours of activity! And I'll be thankful I can rest tomorrow afternoon, too. 

Considering my full day, today's post is just a random collection of -ing prompts. How would you complete these words?

Savoring the last dry days of fall.

Finishing with blogging every day this month -- thankfully, just one day to go!

Learning to live with purpose. 

Trying to ignore that, while having lunch with a friend today, the manager thought I was her MOM!!!

Missing my motivation.

Hesitating on getting a job right now. Should I? Shouldn't I? I've decided I'm like a couple who wants to have kids and has stopped birth control but isn't actively trying to conceive. We'll see what happens.

Ingesting deliciously roasted pumpkin seeds that we made last night.

Resolving to embrace MY cancer story: that it's a good story and it's OK to admit that it hasn't been a terrible experience for me.

Thinking there aren't enough hours in the day, even when you're not working.

Feeling disappointed because I have to start taking a blood pressure med. One of my chemo drugs pushes BP up, so my formerly perfect BP now needs medication. :(

Watching the fall leaves outside my window.

Living a full life.

Loving my cancer survivor "reclamation" program at the Y. I'm feeling stronger every week.

Working on being a better cook. And it seems to be working!

Wishing for lots of platelets so I don't "flunk" out of chemotherapy. Last week I generated over 100,000 - a record for me! I believe there must have been lots of people praying for me. :)

Cherishing photos and videos from home, starring my nieces and nephews. They make my day every time.

Anticipating my birthday painting party on Friday night. I can't wait to be creative with friends. 

Thanking God for my student lifegroup - I might show up feeling glum, but by the end of our session, they always cheer me up.

How to Celebrate a Birthday

What do you do for a beautiful fall birthday? My husband thought we should do something like this:

He wants to be sure I am celebrated properly. But I was ready for a quiet day at home, so instead I started out with my new friends in the Livestrong cancer survivor program at the YMCA. After cardio, we did some strength & flexibility with exercise balls. I'd like to say we look like this:

But in reality, it's a lot more like this:

Next on the agenda, after a shower and lots of Facebook birthday greetings, Mike and I went to lunch. We indulged in chicken wings. Our eyes were bigger than our stomachs, so we had leftovers for dinner. Nice!

Then, a few errands, including a stop at Target to get an essential piece of my Halloween costume. You see, I have chemo tomorrow, so I'm going to go in costume... as my oncologist! She has a pretty distinct style (button down, black fleece/pants/shoes, always the same jewelry), and I'm hoping she gets a kick out of my imitation. I just needed a black fleece to finish my "costume." And, bonus, I found this cute motorcycle-inspired vest, too. Happy birthday to me!

Next up, pumpkins and Halloween treats. And calls from family and friends as well as more of the flood of Facebook birthday greetings. Makes a girl feel pretty special.

This was our first time carving pumpkins with those fancy tools and templates. I chose a simple pattern, and Mike went for something more complex. Since I was also separating out the pumpkin seeds and roasting them, we finished at the same time. We're pretty pleased with our results!

Now, our feet are up and we're enjoying a few of our favorite DVR'd programs.

All in all, this was one of my favorite birthdays ever. Life is good and full of blessings.

I Love the Day After the All-Star Game

Check out my hair: it's long enough that I can have bangs!!!

Almost 20 years ago, I married a sports fan.

When we were dating, and during the first years of our marriage, I tried really hard to share his passion. I sat beside him and watched games on TV. I went to a few games at the ballpark. I asked questions and looked for things to engage my interest.

The Mariners almost hooked me, because I was trying to morph into a sports fan while they were winning 116 games in a season. That was fun!

After about five years of concerted effort, I realized my attention and commentary centered on things like uniforms, players' hair, and people in the stands.

And I had to admit: I am not a sports fan.

I love a lot of things about October. But there's about a million hours of football and baseball on that month. Really? Do we really need football five days out of the week?!

This is when I start dreaming about the middle of summer, when the day after the baseball All-Star game arrives. Many years ago, Mike told me it was the only day there wasn't some kind of professional sporting event. That's probably changed now - kinda like the addition of Thursday night football. It's just the principle: it's not like SportsCenter shuts down or anything. But it seems that, if there are 364 days with professional sports on the calendar, the 365th should be special.

I've tried to figure out what women have that's the equivalent of sports. What do we have that has legends, stats, groups to follow, celebrities to idolize? Maybe soap operas? Fashion? Reality TV? (Believe me, if Project Runway was on every night, I'd be pretty excited.) Possibly gossip, but that's a horrible reflection. But nothing as pervasive as sports. 

I still like going to the ballpark. I like the pre-game activities, especially singing the National Anthem. I like the atmosphere, the people-watching, the implied license to indulge in All-American food. I try to pay attention to part of the game, but, inevitably, I'll be standing and clapping with the crowd and lean over to ask Mike, "Why are we cheering?" One time it was because Ken Griffey, Jr. was coming up to bat. Oops! There's just so much going on!

Most importantly, I love my sports fan. And I know he loves me a lot because he often switches off the game so we can watch something we both like. So it's pretty easy to support my sports fan when there are games he really wants to watch. We've found our happy medium.

Saying Yes When You Want to Say No

Things I've learned by attempting to blog daily:

1) That's a lot of "me" - too much for me!
2) It takes a lot of time.
3) I'm not that inspired.

Even though I only made this commitment to myself, I want to follow through, so I'm going to keep trying the daily thing for the rest of the month. Hopefully inspiration will strike soon or it could be a dull week.

Today, I want to point you to another blog:

Megan in Nepal

Megan is a really awesome girl who is spending a year as a missionary in Nepal. I knew her before she had her driver's license and I was her transportation to and from my small group from church - she and her best friend were the babysitters for all the kids.

(Here's a little conundrum I have: I consider several 20-somethings my friends, but I'm almost old enough to be their mom... I don't feel like there's nearly a generation between us, but I wonder what they think!)

Megan has also been the pet sitter of choice for us and several friends. Before she left on her trip, she was watching one of Rayna's BFFs, so we took the dogs to the park a few times. That gave me lots of time to find out about her trip to Nepal. The coolest thing I learned?

She didn't want to go.

It wasn't even her idea in the first place, but she prayed about it and felt God wanted her to go, even though it pushed her way outside of her comfort zone.

I was excited to follow her trip before I knew this. NOW I'm even more excited!

I have another friend who told me God doesn't need talent, just willing hands. (This was when I was joking about being part of the "Meals of Love" program at our church - I can't cook, but I can chop veggies and grate cheese, so I always brought people a taco salad bar. Personally, I think it's the perfect offering because it's so flexible and customizable.)

So I can't wait to see how God uses Megan's willing hands and heart in the coming year. She's already inspiring me!

Getting Back in the Water

One benefit of cancer is that it forces you to re-evaluate your priorities. Everyone who gets cancer added to their medical history, whatever stage it is, has to process, to some degree or another, the worst case scenario: what if this is what does me in? If you spend some time with that question, you come up with a bucket list of sorts. Things you want to do but don't, because of time or resources or inhibitions.

On my list: swimming.

I absolutely love being in the water. I love feeling surrounded, supported, and able to do things I can't do on land.

But it's been a long time since I was certified as a lifeguard. A lifetime, nearly. At first, I just didn't have access to a pool. And there really isn't any outdoor swimming weather in the Pacific Northwest. My fitness decreased and my weight increased, and getting into a swimsuit, even with my closest friends, no longer seemed appropriate.

Enter cancer. Admittedly, bringing more body changes to increase my inhibitions. But there's a part of me that doesn't care as much anymore. Or at least, I'm trying not to care. Maybe practice makes perfect here. Maybe.

And today: I got in the pool!!!

Walking down the steps, submerging into the chlorinated water, I had no regrets. Bliss! Elation! And the water might be crystal clear, but I felt covered up. Ah, illusion!

I took an "aqua yoga" class. It was so fun. And surprising. Some poses were more difficult than on land, some were easier. Balancing and being grounded is a lot different in the water! Good thing it was slow: finding harmony with the water's resistance and motion in order to achieve each pose took some time. Then I had to remember posture and breathing while maintaining balance and position. It was challenging in the best way, and I'm excited to go back.

Bucket list item: check!

November Warm Up

In my Bible study yesterday morning, we got a little off topic and talked about choosing joy by choosing to praise God in our grumpy moments. One woman gave the example of feeling grouchy about having to drive her kids to school in the morning, but deciding to focus on the blessings inferred by this complaint: a Christian school they're really happy with, the funds to send their kids there.

I strongly believe gratitude is central to being contented and joyful in our daily lives. So it's no surprise that I LOVE Thanksgiving, and I love silly things like the Facebook challenge to post something you're thankful for every day in November.

These days, as my treatment presents me with physical challenges, it's easy to get wrapped up in my aches and limitations. I am fighting back against my frustrations by counting 10 things I'm thankful for today.

1) Sunshine breaking through the fog.

2) The Livestrong program at the YMCA. FREE membership for 12 weeks, a fun group of survivors, and two great trainers to guide us from cancer-ravaged to reclaiming strength and endurance.

3) A nearby dog park, a dear friend who's free when I am, a puppy playdate with Rayna's best friend. A happy, tired dog.

4) Project Runway! Last week, I was sad to see the season finale, only to discover that THIS week - right away! - they're starting an All Stars season. Whoo-hoo!

5) Silly Halloween decorations and deliciously scented fall candles.

6) A super cute fleece jacket at Target for only $10!

7) Puddles of florescent red and orange leaves on the sidewalk.

8) My siblings: one had a successful surgery yesterday, one is exploring Japan right now, the other is nobly tackling an unnecessary challenge created by others. I am so proud of them all and love them so much.

9) A doctor and nurses I really enjoy - makes it almost fun to visit the doctor. Almost.

10) My husband, because my cancer has brought out the best in him, and he's an amazing support in a multitude of ways. Our relationship is better than ever.

How about you? What are some of your blessings today?

Gravity and Empathy

Sandra Bullock's movie "Gravity" is getting a lot of good reviews, from critics and my friends.

After seeing previews, I didn't want to see it because it looked like it might be 90 minutes or so of Sandra Bullock floating in space. But with all those great reviews and Mike's interest in seeing it, I figured, like many movies, the preview wasn't a good representation of the movie itself.

Well.

We saw it last night and it IS 90 minutes of Sandra Bullock floating in space! Ugh. It was well done and I kinda liked the ending. But it was still 90 minutes of floating.

At least it was Mike's movie choice - I'm usually the one who makes the bum movie choices. In fact, for a long time I was banned from choosing movies.

As we were headed to the movie, I had a little epiphany.

Cancer has taken a few valuable things from me. I try to take it in stride and not obsess, but I still consider this often. My first round of chemo gave me some mild peripheral neuropathy (numbness/tingling in my feet). It resurrected and exacerbated some plantar fasciitis that had mostly resolved several years ago. Regardless of this, I wore some great heels to my nursing school graduation, and I killed my feet. That plantar pain has been problematic ever since. :(

In addition, this round of chemo has given me stiff hips and knees. Happily, that should go away when chemo is over.

Put together, these two "gifts" mean that, after sitting for awhile, sometimes when I get up, I'm super gimpy. To protect my sad foot, I'm wearing tennis shoes most of the time. With special inserts! :(

Add in my short hair and my lumpy colostomy stomach, and I'm feeling very middle-aged. Blech!

I miss my cute, fun shoes. A LOT. They're still holding out hope in my closet.

So on the way into the movie, as I was unfolding my hips and trying not to limp while my foot warmed up and stretched out, I had my epiphany. Maybe those middle-aged ladies navigating the world in their tennies haven't willingly abandoned the "fashion before comfort" guidelines. Maybe an unwelcome event dictated ditching cute shoes and skinny jeans. Most people have a backstory we might never imagine.

However, I haven't found empathy for sweatsuits with painted kittens yet.

Sometimes, Facebook is my Therapist

Aha! I feel vindicated for my greater-than-usual fatigue over the weekend. I had my weekly blood draw this afternoon to see how I'm standing up to chemo (or not, in some cases), and my hematocrit is only 30. Hematocrit is the percentage of your blood that is oxygen-carrying red blood cells. Normal for women starts at 38, and with treatment I'm usually hovering around 36. So dipping down to 30 means I have about 25% fewer oxygen-carriers coursing through my body than most of you. Since demand is outpacing supply. I'm tired. Not wimpy or lazy.

Just for fun, I LOVE RBCs (red blood cells). Under a high powered microscope, they look like velvet pillows.

(Image from http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/featured/images-inside-human-body-images/8292?image=1)

After I posted about being worn out last night, I browsed Facebook, and my sister had posted a link to Mandisa's song "Overcomer." (Remember Mandisa from American Idol? The one Simon said was too overweight to have any appeal to the masses? The one who now has a successful career as a Christian recording artist and hangs out with other cool artists like TobyMac?)

That song was exactly what I needed to hear last night.  She sings, "Whatever it is you may be going through, I know He's not going to let it get the best of you," and "You're not going under 'cause God is holding you right now. You might be down for a moment, feeling like it's hopeless, that when He reminds you: you're an overcomer!"

And the video... it showcases celebrities who have overcome cancer and other medical crises, so I cried therapeutic tears all the way through.

Click here to listen to Mandisa's "Overcomer"

As if that wasn't enough encouragement, another friend posted a link to the backstory on the classic hymn "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus." Confession: I've always thought of this hymn as overly syrupy. I mean, the title includes "So Sweet." But cancer changes your perspective, and as of last night I think comfort and peace when I hear "sweet," rather than a sugar overload. 

My worn soul and anemic body were refreshed while I revisited the lyrics, especially "How I trust Him; how I've proved Him o'er and o'er." Maybe because I grew up with them, but I love the poetic old language hymns come in. And I was reminded how many difficult things God has seen me through in the past - He's proven Himself over and over, and will be faithful to get me through this as well.

I'm still tired, but I'm happy to say that my soul and optimism was renewed last night, thanks to Facebook.

Worn

Here's my hair shot for the week:

I was getting ready for the pumpkin farm, which included a surprise gift:

Thanks, Kautzman KettleKorn!

Today, I'm tired, so forgive me for indulging in a little whining. Cancer fatigue is frustrating.

Most of the time, I feel great. Well, aside from my body feeling stiff and sore all the time. If only ibuprofen wasn't hard on platelets! But protecting my fragile platelet count is top priority, so I do my best to move and stretch ("motion is lotion," as my PT says) and just ignore the aches, being thankful that chemo isn't too tough this time around.

Last week was a fun, full, busy week. I felt great and pushed myself more than I should have. Now it's Sunday, and I'm still tired after mostly resting since Thursday night. My sweet husband is so patient with me, not complaining when I fall asleep on the couch immediately after dinner, sleeping away a hefty portion of the short time we get together each day. I feel like I should be able to do more, and I wonder if I'm just being lazy or wimpy.

Today, this song really resonates with me. When I see the lyrics in black and white, they sound so depressed! I know all of these things can happen - I see that in my own life on a regular basis. But life can be tough, and I think most of us are worn out pretty frequently. Even though these are end-of-the-rope lyrics, the song soothes my soul and encourages me. I hope it does for you, too.

Grace and peace.

Worn by Tenth Avenue North (Click to view video!)

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

If These Walls Could Speak

This week marked the end of an era for my family. Way back in April of 1980, we moved from the city to a brand new house in the 'burbs. The oldest of four, I was part-way through fifth grade, and my brother, the youngest, had just smashed his first birthday cake.


Now, he has two kids of his own, and I've owned MY house for fifteen years.

I'm proud of my parents. Their house is 33 years old and still has its original kitchen and bathrooms. A bit outdated, perhaps, but they've kept everything in pristine condition. They've done a wonderful job of maintaining their home. And the yard has come a LONG way from its original condition: when we moved in, the unfinished backyard was bordered by a two story mountain of dirt. Undoubtedly a mother's nightmare, but it was an adventure for us as kids. Especially since there were more kids on the other side.

It was fun to have the house built. When we went to visit during the build, we had fun testing out our rooms on the lower level: closets with no doors, cement floors, and, we found out recently, my sister put a penny in the light fixture in our bedroom. No one found it, so it's probably still there.

How many times did we shovel the driveway and mow the lawn? I know I mowed over frogs from the pond across the street at least twice. Yikes! That's a memory I could do without! At least it wasn't the baby bunnies who often lived in the front bushes. 

For me, early mornings meant finding my dad in his office praying, reading his Bible, or working before I got up. Those conversations are some of my best memories in that house. After touching base with my dad, I had my own devotions in the red corduroy chair. That's right - a red corduroy chair. Somehow, that chair wound its way into all of our hearts.

That house saw 33 of our Christmases, Thanksgivings, Halloweens, and Easters. Two first-day-of-kindergartens. Four high school graduations. Lots of parties for birthdays, weddings, and baby showers. Four grandchildren. Sleepovers, Boy Scout projects, post-camp laundry, hours of piano practicing, and probably 1500 batches of brownies. 

The best thing about that house is that it witnessed our best and worst days, and, in the end, my parents produced a happy, functional family in that house. We are stunningly blessed: a testament to prayers and grace outpacing even brownie production over the years.

We are thrilled for our parents' new home. Especially the porch with the view. I'm excited that most of the moving process is over. It's helpful to know there's a young family moving into the old house, ready to build their own memories. 

But for today, I'm sad. A little for me, but mostly for my parents, as they leave their long-time home. We can't go back, and it wouldn't be ours if we did. Of course we keep all the memories, but it's sad to walk away from the walls that held them. 

Adieu 7624. Thanks for keeping us safe and warm. Please be equally good to the new family under your roof.

Looking Back at my Diagnosis

This is an exercise from my writing workshop this month: "crossing the threshold," aka responding to a life-changing trigger. A little different than my normal writing style, so it's kind of fun. Enjoy!

White-knuckle driving through a snowfall in my little green car, thinking, "This can't be serious. They just sent a letter. They would call if they really needed a second look." But I don't want to go home to hide from the snowstorm. I'd be forced to reschedule, prolonging this uncertainty.

White, stiff, warm robes over gowns that are nothing more than triangles of fabric. Soothing music, bubbling aquariums, and twenty women, all looking the same, thinking their individual thoughts and considering their private stories. NOT being fooled by the spa-like atmosphere.

Mammogram.

"We'd like to do an ultrasound, too. Please wait here."

Wondering, in this small, quiet, dim room, "Could I possibly still be in the 80% who are called back but ultimately receive 'benign' as their benediction?"

"We'd like to do a biopsy, too. Can you stay until this afternoon?"

I've got nothing on my calendar, just visions of rapidly accumulating snow for my little car to navigate - along with the rest of the city. Well, God will have to take care of getting me home.

Needle biopsy, then a clear, snow-free road home. (Thanks, God!)

Then waiting... Wednesday... Thursday... Friday...

With the weekend looming, I lost patience and called about my results. We were in the truck, on our way to somewhere now forgotten. Over the phone, as we were passing our church, the doctor said, "I'm sorry, it's cancer," dashing my tattered hopes of a cancer-free result. Stunning. Surreal. Incomprehensible.

And yet, almost immediately, we start wondering
what's next?

Breast Cancer's Tricky Little Sister

This is an exercise from my writing workshop this week: Write about your antagonist (the threat that forces change). Bonus - this one's short! :)

My gynecological oncologist calls ovarian cancer "Breast Cancer's Little Sister." Sounds sweet: like blonde pigtails and pink bows.

Well, I probably don't have to tell you that this little sister's got bite!

Big sister breast cancer hogs all the attention. And all the funding. Just after my breast cancer diagnosis, my dad pointed out that having a common cancer means loads of research has been done and lots of patients have gone before me, giving doctors a clear path to follow.

Early stage breast cancer is no picnic, but we know how to bring her down.

I don't think ovarian cancer covets the spotlight. 

She likes to hide in her big sister's shadow. She's sneaky. She's hard to find and hard to defeat. Without a lot of exposure, we don't know all her wily ways, and she's adept at evasive actions. Our counter measures aren't sure - sometimes they feel like a shot in the dark.

But in the dark I can hear her laughing, and I'm going after her with the full arsenal.

Tackling Hypocrisy, RSVPs, and Hospital Parking Fees

Today's daily blog challenge: How would you change the world?

There's nothing wrong with world peace (or whirled peas, if you love a silly bumper sticker), but I'm going to leave that for the beauty queens. Plus, world peace is coming one day, according to the Bible.

My three changes:

1) All hospital parking garages should be free. It's tough to be in the hospital. It's expensive to be in the hospital. Don't charge people who are making an unpleasant visit to the hospital to support your patients! Talk about adding insult to injury. Work your metrics and slip the average parking fee into the hospital bill. If I'm in the hospital long enough to need visitors, that parking fee will be peanuts compared to the rest of my bill.

2) RSVP!!! If someone has invested the effort to plan an event and honored you with an invitation, TELL THEM whether or not you can attend. Even if they don't say RSVP. Even if you can't go, or aren't sure. There's nothing like sending out invites to 40 people and hearing back from 8. It's just rude.

For fun, RSVP comes from the French phrase "repondez, s'il vous plait." Literally: respond, if you please. The "IF" is rhetorically polite. If you don't reply, they're at home saying something like "Repondez, tu petite merde!"

3) This is the important one. Christian hypocrites. I'm not saying get rid of them, because being a Christian means striving to imitate Jesus, a perfect role model. We might be improving, but we're never going to get it completely right in this life. Technically, that makes us all hypocrites. 

Sometimes God gets a bad rap from His people. One of the saddest things I hear is someone rejecting God because His representatives have misrepresented Him and left a bad taste in someone's mouth.

I'm saying Christians need to embrace humility and transparency. It's impossible to be perfect, so why pretend? And why hold others to perfection if you can't achieve it? Yes, speak the truth. Yes, hold other Christians accountable and encourage them to grow. But do it with a loving heart and a gracious approach. Ditch the judgmental, superior attitude. Deep down, you know your failings better than most. So let's be real, and kind, and work together.

There you go. May your world be a better place.

A Usual & Unusual Sunday

Today has been a fun day. 

UNUsually, I was at church EARLY for the 10am service. Well, I was there for pancakes, not the service. One of the joys in my life is the small group of 11th grade girls I've been leading since they were in 6th grade. The breakfast this morning was for parents to get to know their teen's leaders better. Having a five year head start made this really easy! :)

Can I tell you how excited I was to be EARLY?! This is barely short of miraculous, since I'm usually late for the 11:30 service. I even had time to take this selfie before I left home:

As usual, I was at the 11:30 service (on time, even after stopping by the high school area to say hello to "my" girls). Today the message was titled "Unapologetic Preaching" and, after 30-ish minutes of teaching about preaching, our pastor gave us 5 Ways to Guarantee an Awesome Sermon (as listeners). 

In case you want to make YOUR pastor's messages more interesting, here are the five tips: 1) Pray for the preacher on Saturday night and Sunday morning; 2) Pray for your heart to be receptive; 3) Bring your Bible (because you should expect solid, Bible-based preaching - I'd add Take Notes); 4) Share two things with someone afterward: a) something you want to change, and b) something that gave you hope; 5) (In case the above don't work) Pray harder for your preacher next week. :)

Here are my two shares from #4:

Something I want to change: Invest more time in preparation and prayer for my "Student LifeGroup" (those 11th graders).

Something that gave me hope: "How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, "Your God reigns." Isaiah 52:7. This reminds me not to be hesitant to share what I believe because it IS good news. (Not convinced of that? Ask me why I think it's good!)

After church, since it was a nice, dry day (usual? unusual? It's hard to say in this neck of the woods - I'm just extra grateful for every dry day), Rayna and I went to the off-leash dog park. Here's the result:

Now I'm at Qdoba - definitely not unusual! I'm certain heaven will cater from "The Q," as we call it. Mike joined me after awhile (he just got home from work).

My soul and stomach are happy - definitely usual. :) I'm so blessed these days.

Tonight will be usual things: chores like laundry and Mike's lunch for tomorrow, sweeping if I'm ambitious; some TV, a quick evening walk, and computer time - including my homework for tomorrow's writing workshop. The procrastination? Totally USUAL. :)

Awkward Moments (aka "Totes Awk" if you're under 20)

Occasionally, having cancer yields awkward moments. 

I've been a cancer fighter/survivor for almost two years now, and most of the time I just really want to be a normal person, not Someone With Cancer. I am mostly successful at this. I admit that sometimes I milk the cancer treatment, giving myself permission to sit in the fall sunshine, watch TV, or read a book instead of doing the chores that need doing. Once in awhile, I make my equally comfy-on-the-couch husband get up and get me something. I am perfectly capable of doing it myself in those moments, but I suppose it's a little payback for all the times in our 18 years together that I got up to fill his request. 

I know I'm successful at being normal when an acquaintance complains to me about her struggles.

Here's what happens: we're acting like two normal people, having an everyday conversation. They forget I'm Someone With Cancer and tell me their woes. 

Then... the awkward moment: they realize they're talking to someone whose life had been disrupted by The Big C and they do a quick mental comparison: their problem vs CANCER. Cancer always wins, of course. Once they've done the math, they quickly apologize, saying their problem is nothing like mine. 

I'm not so sure about that. Certainly my body had been put through the wringer and I grapple with a life-threatening disease, but my relationships are better than ever, and I've learned to live my life in a much richer way. When I do the math, I think it would be way worse to be heart-broken by divorce or a struggling child or making decisions about aging parents.

So I disagree with their comparison and we have a little "whose problem is bigger?" debate. Gently, graciously, but still a completely unnecessary debate.

A few weeks ago I found this gem in "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young:

"Every step on your life-journey can be a step of faith. Baby steps of trust are simple for you; you can take them with almost unconscious ease. Giant steps are another matter altogether: leaping across chasms in semidarkness, scaling cliffs of uncertainty, trudging through the valley of the shadow of death. These feats require sheer concentration, as well as utter commitment to Me [Jesus].

"Each of My children is a unique blend of temperaments, giftedness, and life experiences. Something that is a baby step for you might be a giant step for another person, and vice versa."

As a Cancer Girl, I want my people to care about what's going on with me. And I consider myself hugely blessed because the people in my life are wonderful about loving me, being concerned, and still letting me be normal. But I don't want anyone to compare their problems to mine and choose not to share what's on their heart - or apologize for sharing because they don't think it's as big as Cancer. 

We've all been given different challenges. Maybe we've been equipped for them, maybe they're equipping us for something in the future. Maybe we made a bad decision and now we're cleaning up the mess. But whatever makes our lives difficult, we're here to share it and help each other along. Whether our load sounds big or small to someone else, it's our load, and it affects us uniquely.

So don't hog the limelight (let me tell you, being in the Problem Spotlight gets old quickly - for everybody), but don't compare problems and edit your conversation because you think your struggle is small in comparison - the other person might think the opposite thing about you! 

Five Favorites

Today I'm just bending the suggested October Daily Blog Challenge topic: 5 songs that elevate your mood. I talked about a song yesterday, so today I'm going with 5 Bible verses I love. Some have shaped my life, others have pulled me through cancer for the last year and a half.

1) Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to Me [Jesus], all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy, and My burden is light."

Lately, I've noticed FREEDOM come up a lot in relation to God. Outside Christianity, God might seem like a restrictive, demanding ruler, but it's like living with parents who provide good boundaries: you can't do whatever you want, because they know that some "whatevers" can be destructive and want you to avoid them. Living within those boundaries provides structure and safety and, ideally, produces a well-adjusted, competent adult. 

I love these verses because they're asking us to release the heavy burdens we pick up and carry around. God will carry those loads for us and give us rest and an easier burden to carry, with His help. Ahhh... I feel better already.

2) Psalm 56:8

"You [God] have taken account of my wanderings, put my tears in Your bottle, are they not in Your book?"

How cool is that? I love that God knows each of us so intricately that he knows how many hairs are on our head and collects every one of our tears. I like to think there's a wall in heaven filled with glass bottles  - the kind that look like they've been tossed around in the sea for awhile. One bottle for each person, filled with their tears. How lovely that God cares so much when we cry that not one tear is lost.

3) Isaiah 41:9b-10

"I [God] have chosen you and will not throw you away. Do not fear, for I am with you, do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

This was a big one for me at the beginning of my cancer journey, especially the reminder that I would not be thrown away. The disruption and uncertainty of a cancer diagnosis can make you feel like you're in a pile of rubble, and it takes some work to remember what's true and climb out of the garbage pile.

And one of my favorite things about the Bible is how often "do not fear" comes up: it's the most common command; a friend told me it's in there 365 times... once for every day of the year. Hm... a message for us? 

For me, this one is all about exchanging worries for faith; fear for trust; weakness for strength. I might not know what's coming, I might not understand what's happening, I might be scared and anxious, but I know that God is in control and right next to me, giving me the strength to get through what's ahead.

4) Colossians 4:6

"Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned as with salt, so that you will know how to respond to each person."

Oh! I've loved this one for years! How beautiful to speak this way! I've been working on this for years, and with God's grace, I've come a LOOOONG way. Last year I was at a college reunion and they asked what you would change about your days in college. I said I wish I'd been kinder and gentler in some situations. The moderator (a classmate) said, "More gracious?" Yikes! Does that mean I was perceived as ungracious back then?! Possibly... 

5) Psalm 138:3

"When I pray, You [God] answer me; You encourage me by giving me the strength I need."

As I've read the Bible during this cancer journey, I've noticed how frequently there is a call and response: when we call, God is waiting and ready to respond. Not in a magic genie kind of way, granting any wish I have: sometimes the answer is YES, but sometimes it's No or Wait. But He is always there with what I need to make it through. What comfort to know He has the resources to supply what I need, and is right there, waiting for me to ask for help. Sometimes we just take a long time to make our request, right?

There you have it. I hope this blesses you! xoxo

Everything Rides on Faith Somehow

Today's topic: Describe how lyrics from a favorite song inspire you.

I was going to ditch the daily topic again - I'm not very good at following the rules if I think I have a better idea. My brother occasionally reminds me that I made up a game when we were kids that required cheating to win. Is it cheating if it's in the rules? Well, I blame it on genetics because whenever my mom talks about playing games with my grandma, she invariably reminds us that grandma cheated. Just a little bit, some might not call it cheating: kind of a white lie level of manipulating the rules.

Instead, I was going to write about chemo. This blog is, after all, primarily about living through (and in spite of) cancer. But on my way to chemo today, I remembered a lyric that will allow me to do both: 

"Everything rides on hope now; everything rides on faith, somehow."

It's from "Hope Now" by Addison Road.

When I started chemo last year, I decided to make it a party and invite friends to come along and keep me company. I didn't realize how helpful this was until a couple weeks ago. This time around, I'm not getting Benadryl or anything else that interferes with my driving, so I can bring myself. Last time, I came alone. I didn't have any socializing to look forward to, and on the way to chemo I found myself thinking sad cancer thoughts. So I arrived a little tired and bummed out (which my stellar doctor picked up on right away).

Lesson learned! Even if I CAN be independent, it doesn't mean that's the best option for me. Friendships are therapeutic. And right now, with a chemo cocktail that has few side effects, I don't need a lot of help, so I figure I can give my friends a way to help me by inviting them to chemo. Kind of like a coffee date, right?

It's a funny coffee date: they watch the nurse access my port and draw blood, wait while I give a urine sample, listen in on my conversation with the doctor, and then we chat while the pharmacy preps my drugs and while the drugs drip in. At least this time I'm not fighting a Benadryl haze (which I did with super-human success, I might add!).

There's a lot of educated guessing in cancer treatment, and as a patient I gamely cooperate, waiting with somewhat bated breath between CT scans, hoping and wondering if what we're doing is working.

I'm in that space where everything rides on hope and faith. I hope this works and I land in the long-term survivors' circle. I have faith in a good, all-powerful God who has a plan for me. I hope that, whatever the outcome, I can LIVE all my days with grace and purpose, speaking life and encouragement into other people's lives.

It's not so bad, living where everything rides on hope and faith.

Happy Birthday to Two of My Favorites

Today's blog challenge: go without something for a day and write about it.

I'm going to go with something else because I'm not sure what I would give up that would create an interesting story. I watch too much TV, but a couple days ago, I didn't watch any... and didn't realize it until the next day. It could be Diet Coke, but, while I can wax poetic about it's sweet, effervescent, calorie-free comfort, when I don't have it, I don't crave it. Sugar is another possibility, but we recently decided to give up sugary snacks 3 days a week, and it's not a struggle. My phone - I do this at camp every year, and it's always a nice break. It could be my dog or my husband, but when I'm away from them, it's quiet and peaceful, but also lonely, no fun, and just feels wrong.

So, instead, I want to honor two great women in my life who both celebrated their birthday today.

First, one of my two "bestest" friends. We say we've known each other since we were four, but we lived across the street from each other when we were born, so it could predate that. Maybe because of this, she understands me better than anyone else in the world. And she knows all my secrets. Our husbands are very similar, and, curiously, share many traits with our other "bestest" friend. Being with her is to be completely comfortable - understood and never judged. 

Not to mention that she is living out our childhood dreams. We were totally horse crazy. The culvert at the end of our street was always a horse. It was long enough that we could even make it bounce out at the end like a trotting horse. And then camp came along, with real horses for us to moon over. I had a horse of my own for awhile. She was beautiful, but the wrong horse for me, and, sadly, soured me on the concept. But my friend, she not only has a couple horses, but she managed to infect both of her boys with the horse-loving bug, so now it's a family affair. 

During her sixth birthday party, my sister was born. 

My sister is an amazing woman. And complex. She easily carries off leading a global team at a large corporation AND being enthusiastic about having a "Puppy Weather" app loaded on her phone, showing an adorable puppy every day along with the weather report. She's politically savvy and will worry somewhat obsessively about a baby bird out of its nest. Her heart is as big as they come. But my favorite thing about her is her unique ability to stand her ground and speak her mind. Somehow, she can frankly tell us we're completely off base without letting us doubt her love or feel offended. I still can't figure out how she does that!

S & B, this is one of my favorite days of the year! I love that you share a birthday on this day, and I love celebrating both of you on the same day. xoxo